I was both a GC and later a SG for a little while before I left my family. As the gc I was gaslighted all the time, and manipulated into being such a bad person. I did horrible things because my mother said she needed x-something from me.

The most extreme situation was having a social worker at the house to check on my foster sister - the perpetual SG. And having to sit in on the meeting while my, very violent mother sat there, saint like, and nodded while the social worker tried to teach us children about not hitting eachother if we argued. Listen to her, she would say, and nod her head sagely.

I had hit my younger sister, because my mother had told me, she scared her, and locked her bedroom door at night because she feared my sister. She gave me some long spiel about her becomming enraged and acting out against my mother. My foster sister was 11 or 12 at the time. - I was such an idiot...

After I thouroghly scared the shit out of my sister, my mother called the social worker...... - this is just one example, of how my mother would create drama with her kids as the stage actors.

I was so young, and loyal and stupid and my mother just totally ran circles around me. - In that moment, with the social worker there, I suddenly realised everything that was going on. Felt shame and regret, and such fierce love for my sister. And something like hatred of my mom, and loathing, and loneliness. Its still there sometimes, a gawping maw of empty, where my mothers love should be. - In that moment I could have thrown her under the bus. For all her violence and spankings. For making both of us bleed when she got carried away. - But I didnt. - I should have. It was just overwhelming in that moment.

That was the last time she manipulated me. I went from GC to scapegoat, over a short period of a few weeks. The neglect was intense. It caused problems at school because my underwear was falling apart, and I had no hygeine products. At home she and my older sister would make fun of the way I looked. The way I dressed my akward teenage skin and general changes. But I was smart. Very good in school, and I used that as my; I know I am worth something. I know Ill do better than either of you two. Im not the loser here.....I fought back. Mainly anger fueled resistance, and it has taken me a decade to unlearn anger as the main fuel for getting through issues. I had to relearn how to deal with emotions and hurt, because all I had learned from her was how to fight for myself with anger and rage, to keep the words and the hurt from tearing me down.

I managed, because I started working and making my own money at 14 and got a bank account in my name at the local bank.

I havent seen or spoken to her in nearly 2 decades. I didnt even need to go LC first. I just stopped completely. I think the coldness and detachment I felt when I quit the family is the reason she never reached out to me either. If ever there was any doubt that narcissists dont love the way we do I am proof that they dont. She never called. She sent a letter once, regalling of the grandchild my foster sister had given her. - My little sister chose her. I feel bad about that. In fact, I imagine when I die, it will be the only regret that can really haunt and cause me suffering at the end. How I didnt get my sister away from her, or apologise enough for the hurt I caused, for my part in it.

So OP, as a GC I was gaslighted and manipulated. The way I behaved and the hurt I caused to my SG sister, still causes me to cringe and tear up today. I feel violated, twisted and seduced by my mothers scheming. When I stopped playing along, I was made to be the SG and experienced a more direct kind of abuse, but one that was less sinister and easier to indentify. As such it did not have the same amount of power over me.

However, I believe that had I been younger when I was the Sg it would have changed my outlook significantly. Being the GC for the first 14 yrs of my life, definately meant I had an established sense of worth, that rebelled, quite explosively to the idea that I was not worth anything. And the realisation of her behaviour allowed me to fight off the need for her aproval and validation in a rather abrupt manner.