I've been thinking of suicide for years. It's always there in my mind. My lowest points were 2012 + 2019. I see a lot of people saying stuff like "I couldn't leave my parents. My pets. I wanna play that new game" and that's me too. It breaks my heart to think of leaving my mum, my beautiful little cats, and I really wanna play Cyberpunk 2077.

Last year when I was lying in an empty bath having a breakdown and panic attack none of that really meant anything to me. I just wanted to be dead. If I'm dead I won't give a shit about my mum, cats, or a video game. Sounds really bad cause it is but that's how my mind was.

Anyway the only thing that kept me alive last year was that I couldn't decide on a way to kill myself and even the easier ones like hanging/jumping I was too scared to do it. The scary thing was that this was the closest I was to actually doing it. Just like I said above...when you're in so much pain that you don't care about your family/pets anymore then I was almost at the point where I could've got past the fear of actually killing myself.

It took me about a year to really get out of that place. So like maybe 3-4 months ago. I feel much better now but I really hope I never end up like that again.