Dude. Hugs for you. Fuck it, hugs for me too.
I'm feeling pretty good, all considering. I had been tapering down for quite a while and the perpetual suffering was getting intense. Dropping from 5mg to 4mg was rough. From 4mg to 3mg I decided that enough was enough and I would get the suffering over with in one blast rather than prolong it for the next ~4 months, so I jumped off from 3mg.
It's been a rough few weeks, let me tell ya, but I am on the upswing now.
Sleep is the worst part. As you surely know too well.
its like i was numb to the world for so long its back with authority
I can dig. My tastebuds are on overtime. High pitched sounds cause me nausea. I'm nervous. No energy (although it's returning). it's like all my senses are heightened. Good and Bad.
But I'm sharper. I'm playing drums with an articulation, speed, precision and passion that I haven't seen in....well a decade, tbh. It's very strange.
Like you said, I've numbed my nervous system for so long now that it's waking up again.
I was perfectly fine for the first couple years with my Oxy perscription. I was able to stop the anti-D's. Everything was good until a local doctor got caught trading opiates for sex and the attitudes changed.
1000 people got cut off in my city, myself included, and thus the opiate epidemic was created. Lucky for me (or not), this coincided with $140 000 dropping into my lap from the car accident that started it all. So I was able to self-medicate for another year without too much instability. Oxy 80's were $20 at the beginning; $100 by the end. Supply and demand, simple economics. And I was nothing but demand.
But I eventually betrayed everyone who loved me. Period.
My aunt says:
"an alcoholic will steal from you to buy booze, but in the morning they'll feel bad and they'll apologize. HOWEVER, an Oxy Contin addict will steal from you to get a fix, and then they'll help you look for the missing item!
So i'd surely be dead if not for the birth if my daughter in '08. I had an epiphany one day holding her where I realized that, oo all the humans on earth who loved me unconditionally; she was the only I hadn't betrayed. It motivated me and gave me a new purpose. I checked myself into the mental hospital; ailed. Detox; failed. Rehab; Failed. Detox again; failed. Taper-down under doctors supervision (how lucky an opportunity!); you guessed it, failed. Self detox; failed. Finally methadone. 7 fucking years. Here I am.
I have 2 kids now.
The moment i lost my 500$ worth of dope on the plane ride to my brothers wedding
Holy fuck. I can appreciate that like most people could not. If not for the fact it would ruin the wedding, I bet you were 99% ready to fucking blow your brains out. Brother.
Some good news is I'm getting a prescription for medical marijuana this week. I smoke copious amounts anyway, why not get it free.
Cheers. Thanks for the chance to vent.