From her instagram story just now

I have a feeling this could be about a message I sent her today. The message essentially boiled down to "I'm a crazy fan who thinks i know better." But I simulatounsely acknowledged that it was all about me. It's like I tried to guilt her into responding. She posted, "I love you guys" with black text and white font. An hour later I messaged her, essentially saying "BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU, "LOVE" ME SPECIFICALLY!!!" Not that clearly crazy though, it was strangely coherent. There were paragraph breaks. It was coherent enough. Kinda like this post. I was just so specific in my delusional message, that there's almost no way it didn't affect her. And her story post is too specific to not be me, but it feels like it can't, or I don't want it be.

The reason I'm not providing screenshot proof of my message is it may contribute to whatever delusions I'm still having. I realize more of the extent of it now. I muted her messages in case she responded in DM before she posted that, because i didn't wanna feel bad, or really, hear her response. I feel fucking bad. For not really treating her like a person, or if her emotions were valid. I just thought my emotions weren't, and projected it onto her.

and also, this was after the "I love you guys" was deleted, so it felt related.

I was so delusional I thought my message meant something. And it almost feels like it didn't happen. Or if it did, she can't ACTUALLY be referring to me, but I like indirectly forced her to. I wish I could fucking post these godamn screenshots, but it's still trying to call attention to myself via Billie. I have trouble admitting I need attention.

But I also have a feeling it'll go viral because it would like basically prove that Billie really is as genuine as seems. Or I want it go viral, more for me. But I'm fucking so ashamed. People don't think she has fake depression, or maybe they do, but I just don't believe that I personally have depression and project it onto her, but didn't say exactly that, or anything I meant. I thought it may make me feel better.

Also I feel bad for her because everyone's saying it's the Bell Twins, or Lana and idk who that is but it's probably not that. I don't want Billie's IRL relationships to be hurt because of something I did on a manic whim that didn't involve her.

For a little context, I'm type 1 diabetic. I went from eating fast food almost everyday for 10 years to basically a keto diet. My brain used to run mostly on sugar, and after I cut sugar out almost completely, I started to go crazier. I was called "carb adapted" with the abysmal diet. but I'm getting "Keto adapted, and my brain is sorta resetting, and running on fat, good carbs and protein now. It's like a mental Keto flu. I'm thinking more clearly, but almost even more short sighted than before at the same time. it's an explanation, and also me trying to make an excuse, and just put my state of my into perspective. but that's not as relevant as I think it is.

I'm seeing a therapist in two days and thats what I need. I tried to talk AT Billie like a therapist.

I suppose my thesis statement is that it says way more about how kind,and understanding she is to fans. even to the fucking lunatic fans lol. Even when she doesn't NEED to. She actually helped me a lot in some weird way, like snapping me out of my delusions, sorta. It's like I thought i'd get a message back like "ok cool lets hang out and play tunes" lol. but she still said I Love You, after she said my actions were disgusting and repulsive and wrong and fucking disrespectful man.

And it's weird. Before I felt, "how could a #1 ACTUALLY love her fans?" And I think she does, it's just more complicated than that. She appreciates them, and knows how deeply some relate. But also, some, such as myself, just read wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much into things and make it about them. I was just obvious with it.

Basically the message read like this post. Borderline incoherent and rambly, and deceitful. Very deceitful. I'm not gonna post it. It won't help ME. It may help people understand her post more, but nobody other than me fucking cares that much. It's cool that she's actually cool though. I felt like everyone around me was putting on some kind of a daily performance about being okay. and I thought, it must've included my favorite pop star. But it doesn't, at all. And I was putting on a performance, and it still feels like I am to myself deep down, but I'm just explaining myself so much so I can almost explain away and justify my shitty behavior. I don't really wanna post this. But it feels like an obligation for how I perceived I hurt Billie. fuck and she fucking met fucking Lana today and I know she likes her a lot fuck fuuuuuck it feels like I fucked up her meeting Lana day too ughhhhhhhhhh.

I'm not gonna post em. I don't wanna DM them to anyone. I just know if I do, they'll post it to twitter and I'll become a fucking laughing stock. Not even that, they'll just boil me down to being an asshole. And I am, but like not 100% bad? ugh. I know I was a fuckin prick, and it's like I still don't wanna be called out but I need to be by her sane fans. And it's like I still want her to see this. But she wasn't like, mad? She was just like disappointed that a so called "fan" could be that rude under false pretenses. or that's my interpretation.

and the "Just Think" is exactly what I needed to hear. But I should've been talking to my therapist about my need for attention, not the #1 pop star. I was talking AT her anyway.

I suppose my thesis statement is that it says way more about how kind,and understanding she is to fans. even to the fucking lunatic fans lol. Even when she doesn't NEED to. She actually helped me a lot in some weird way, like snapping me out of my delusions, sorta. It's like I thought i'd get a message back like "ok cool lets hang out and play tunes" lol. but she still said I Love You, after she said my actions were disgusting and repulsive and wrong and fucking disrespectful man. damn.

yikes lol. takin this shit way too personally and seriously still. I deleted Instagram after typing all this. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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