I agree. I have a mental illness. It's never going to go away. All I can do is manage the symptoms. And even when I'm symptom-free, I know it's there. I'm not beating my way through the jungle to reach safety or civilization. I'm beating my way through the jungle so that I can, best case scenario, beat my way through 100 more miles of jungle. Ad nasueam.

A lot of the time my life sucks. Sometimes it doesn't. I don't want pity, but it's not something I feel like I'm getting too much anyway. It feels sort of patronizing for the author to be bringing it up at all. Nobody said I was helpless. I work a challenging job. I change my own oil in my car. I'm planning for retirement. I'm surrounded by people who love and support me. I'd probably bite your head off if you called me helpless in real life.

But I definitely wouldn't say that life is somehow inherently noble. Or even that the good of it outweighs the bad. I can sense and feel and think. So what? What's the point? There's no burning, desperate desire to fight "against the odds." I'm just tired, is all. I do the same things every day because I'm used to it. Get dressed, brush my teeth, and eat. It's inertia. It's not an epic battle between light and dark. I don't kill myself because I'm scared to, and because living is comfortable, familiar. Staying alive for me is reflex. I'd actually have to work pretty damn hard to overcome my body and go through with suicide. So I don't.

At a certain point it just seems like there's no point to living if you're only going through the motions. I go to therapy, and I'm really trying, and it helps. I'm actually a pretty big advocate for therapy, in general. I also see my psychiatrist and take my medication, which honestly helps a lot more. It gets me up. It gives me energy. But it's still not enough to make me want to be alive.

I genuinely wish that I had never been born. Whenever I get in a plane or car, I think it would be better that it crashed and I died. It wouldn't be tragic. I'd be at peace.

Even when I'm happy the thought is there. This is nice, followed by, hopefully it will all be over soon. I don't know. I guess that's what irritates me in general about people saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The idea that it gets better, that jungle is a place that you can leave. I don't want a gun, or a stick. I made it this far without one. I want to know what's the point of being in a jungle if I don't have to be. It's hot and there are mosquitos and it sucks here.