Ever since I was a baby I was a bit dumb, I would always do something or say something that just wasn't normal. I guess I was just happy-go-lucky and didn't really think too much about what to do in social situations, so my childhood had some pretty bad cringe moments, but I think the one I'm about to tell you is the worst.
Well when I was little my mother told me how I was born. Not the specific details, but she told me that when I was born the doctors had to hurry because I had the cord wrapped around my neck and I had managed to strangle myself. As you can tell even before I was born I was pretty dumb, god knows how I pulled it off. Anyway, I was very proud that I had managed to survive and I decided to tell my friends at kindergarten. When I look back now it must have been really embarrassing and awkward, but obviously I didn't know that at the time.
As time went on I continued my journey through life, and I would continue to tell the story of how I was born to people, all throughout primary school and the beginning of high school. I would tell people what my mother had told me, how they got me out when I was being strangled. I did this for about 15 years, completely oblivious to the fuck up that I had created.
I can still remember the day I realised how bad it was while I was in school. I was in Year 10 and I was walking from one of my classes to my usual sitting spot when it hit me out of nowhere. I hadn't thought about it, it was completely out of the blue. As soon as I realised what I had done I wanted a hole to swallow me up.
Although telling people my birth story was pretty cringy to begin with, I had managed to make it much worse without realising. As it turns out, when I told people the story of how I had managed to strangle myself, I also included the detail of how they got me out. Getting me out was a bit of a struggle, and my mum required some help from the doctors. During childbirth, the doctors have access to a ventouse, which is basically a vacuum that sucks the baby out if it can't come out.
My mother had told me that they used this device to get me out, but did not actually know the name for it, so she just called it a plunger. As a child, the only 'plunger' that I knew of was a toilet plunger, and so when I told the story to people I told them that I was being strangled and in a desperate attempt to get me out before I died the doctor rushed into the bathroom and grabbed a toilet plunger and stuck it to my head, pulling as hard as he could to get me out.
I was not a smart child.