First off, I don't think the point of this is to be judged by people, so screw the negativity on here. I definitely relate to some of the things you said in there (and I read the whole thing). I can't explain it well enough, but some when they get to a certain point in their lives, discover this sexual power within themselves over men they can use, and it goes to our heads (especially if you have a lot of self confidence and commitment issues). Its easy to get guys to do whatever you want, because lets face it, for them if you're pretty enough not much else matters.

I think you should let go of your desire to have children. I'm not saying that because you don't "deserve" to be a mother, but I think people like us in our core are so centered on ourselves at this point (because like you I had to fend for myself for a long time), that as sad as this is to admit, we don't know HOW to unconditionally care for others. I really don't think a child, crying all the time, demanding your attention and love is something you can handle. Especially if you don't have a man in the picture who can share the responsibility with you.

This isn't to say you can't have meaningful relationships with anyone though.. I think perhaps if you learned to connect and out your trust in someone someday (and this won't happen overnight but I know you know that), you can be a happy person in a healthy relationship. Perhaps you can be a stepmother and try to be really good at that, who knows?

In any case, try to brake your walls down because no one else will go through the trouble of doing that for you. Try to empathize with people and stop thinking about being a mom is my humble advice.