I fucking destroyed myself (mentally and financially) this past weekend.

I'm in your situation somewhat, I'm 22, was chubby in middle school but got really good grades so I just studied and kept to myself. By 7th grade I realized I was depressed and unhealthy. Started playing sports even though I didn't like them at all just to meet people and lose weight. I kept with that and made some friends and lost all of my baby fat and grew into my body, but I still had the mindset of a fat kid. I still felt horrible about myself and was very introverted. By junior year the friends I made in sports had all quit those sports because our school had a terrible athletic program. All of these former athletes were seniors now, and we had been smoking and drinking for a few years when we had a free weekend. Once we had all the free time in the world senior year, I started smoking weed daily. Once that became a habit and not an occasion, LSD became really popular in my area. I took some and ended up thinking it was the most amazing experience ever. It made me feel happy like I hadn't felt in so long. So I decided that i was just going to do LSD as often as I could find it.

Right before I turned 21 was the worst trip I have ever experienced and probably the worst experience of my life. I was camping with a few of my friends and my girlfriend at the time, who were also tripping, and I don't really talk to any of them about my depression. As soon as I came up on the acid I felt incredibly tense and I could not speak or differentiate objects from each other, I was basically looking at a living watercolor painting. I just sat in a chair with my face in my hands, thinking about every bad thing that has happened in my life and how it is my fault and it won't get better. This goes on for literally hours and I don't say anything. My girlfriend and friends didn't know what was wrong and just gave me a lot of water and didn't try to bother me much. This was the first time I legitimately didn't feel any emotion towards anything and just wanted to die. The lack of emotion towards anything has never really gone away since.

After that I swore off of psychedelics, which did not last forever but I stopped for a long time. However, I picked up a Xanax, adderall, and cocaine habit. This spiraled me down into the longest constant depression I've had. I quit the drugs besides weed, which I only smoke when I'm at home by myself or can't sleep. But I had done too much damage. My girlfriend of 5 years could not handle me being depressed and it was taking a toll on her. I was in college with no major decided, taking gen ed classes and failing them, I lost my job, and I had a host of family issues like my parents splitting up because my dad was cheating and my mom finding out she had cancer right after they split up.

That puts me where I'm at now, 22 going to be 23 soon, trying to find a decent job while I try and decide what I want to major in in school because I've been so focused on depression for a majority of my life that I don't know what I actually like. I've quit drugs, and don't have any desire to really do them again but I've never had a problem quitting them, just with how they make me feel. I still regret every single day pushing away my girlfriend that I deeply loved, and losing friends because I was focused on doing drugs and being a recluse. I still think about how sad it is i literally have no idea what I actually like. But I'm working on it and making progress slowly, that's all I can really ask for.

I'm sorry for this massive book I wrote, but when you said you didn't think their was anyone like you, I felt like I had to respond. Reading your post felt like you were writing my thoughts out. You definitely aren't alone and I totally know where your coming from when you say that you don't really have anyone to talk with about it that understands. I damaged a ton of cherished relationships because I felt like I couldn't talk about it, and I still don't.

/r/depression Thread Parent