I fucking lost. For a month I was happy. I had never been happy before in my entire life without the help of powerful drugs and never expected to ever be happy. I could hardly believe it when I found that I was. I loved myself and my life for the first time. Then on New year's eve I went for a walk in the woods with my dogs. It was close to 0 degrees F when I started out around 6 PM so I didn't plan to stay out very long.
At one point, around 15 minutes from the house I got disoriented and lost. I called the dogs and one came quickly and I told him to go "to the house". He started off every eagerly, so eagerly I had to keep begging him to wait for me. After committing to follow him I could do nothing else. I had lost all sense of direction. I followed over unbelievable terrain, up hills that looked almost vertical and then back down. For 10 hours I wandered around clueless. At some point I found an old abandoned trailer and thought to curl up in there even though it was just as cold as the outside and sleep till morning or die. One of the 2 dogs wouldn't allow it. She kept forcing me awake so I got out and continued walking. Eventually we got to a house with lights on and I called for help under a lit window. the woman who looked down seemed horrified and scared at the sight of me and the two dogs. I explained that I was lost. She said she didn't believe me. I begged her to tell me where way to go to find the road my house is on. She said it was too far to walk there and that I would never make it. She was going to call the police but asked if there was someone else she could call instead. I only know 2 people in this state and one is my landlord and the other is the lady who works at the post office where I get my mail once a month or less. I told her my landlord's number then I asked her what time it was. She said it was 3:30 AM.
I begged her NOT to call my landlord. He's a workaholic and the thought of waking him to drive my sorry ass home was appalling. But she called him. She said it was either that or the police. Once she had called him, I had to wait in place. If I fled as I wished I could I would be even more of a pain in the ass. The lady told me I could wait in the garage which was unheated but infinitely warmer than outdoors.
I sat there and wept like a baby even though I'm old and ugly and not in any way baby-like save in terms of helplessness and ignorance. He finally came and took me and the dogs home. I slept for a long time and woke up with a migraine. I was sick for a while. I went to sleep and woke again this morning. I had lost every ounce of happiness. I was more unhappy than ever before. At least before I didn't know happiness so I couldn't really miss it. Now I am at the end of the line. there is nowhere to go but down. I have lost the will to live and wish I had died on the mountain very badly. I hate myself for not doing so. I'm thinking I should go out and try again.