a few months ago my gf and is plit after 2.5 years and a year of living together, and i feel like i had been mentally prepping for it for a while so kind of quickly got involved with a few people goin on dates n shit but then this one girl and i hit it off and we were hanging a lot just us frequently and then she told me drunkenly one night she would never want to date me in kind of a flurry (she said after the fact she just drives people away sometimes) and then to cope w that (also like how i coped with things when ending the the last gf?) i hooked up w someone else at the same party and then that girl walked in on it and that was a thing but also the next day wasnt because she was like no we're non exclusive you had every right to, it was rude as fuck but ultimately inconsequential. so then for the next month and i half i like realized how i def would want her in my life as a constant and then tried to propose going exclusive to her and she was like no way, even though we'd been continuing the past month and a half kind of doing and acting like a full couple. and it was weird i like got hung up on it and for the past two weeks its been chill n fine (first one was rough) but last night i blacked out called her and told her i loved her (no recollection of this) and i don't know why. never said it to her before. so i saw her tonight at a party and it was chill and fine and she's been mad patient and very nice about this whole thing but its really making me reflect on why i get so stupid with alcohol (i don't drink often, but when i do its kind of like this), and how i can try to curb some of my instant gratification/impulsive behaviors. i know i have an inclination for whatever reason to get intense super quickly about shit and just dive right in head first. its made me realize i think i have an intense want to just share everything with someone like have one person who knows everything and it makes me feel less alone. but feeling lonely i think is a great way to get to know yourself. think its good to know how to be alone so that's what i think i need to work on. i dont know if social media makes us think we always need to share everything these days (ironic as I'm typing this out on a public forum, will probably delete this at some point), but im also trying to cut down on that. i find myself sometimes just on autopilot and like instagram has opened but i didnt even open my phone to go on instagram. ive deleted everything but insta and tinder lol. tinder's probably next but im also constantly uninstalling and reinstalling that stupid fuckin thing. the same sort of 'phantom apping' occurs on news sites too, i find myself refreshing like reuters or guardian every few minutes by accident. its weird. so there's probably something to do about that too. this is way longer than i thought but i'm just a little baked and waiting for Yandhi. At least all this time up has been good for thinkin