Son of a BITCH do I hate the Patriots. I know most everyone does but for me it goes much deeper than that. I am beyond hate. 17 years. 17 years have I put up with the Patriots and their nonstop Patriots winning. I have had to watch Tom Brady eat his fucking W's since 2001. My friend is a Broncos fan, he says "Oh yEaH I HatE tHe PaTriOtS tOo BrO" and I say You dumb bitch. Shut the fuck up with your dumb bullshit. We have to play them TWICE A YEAR, EVERY YEAR. and he says "yeah but" and I can't even hear him because at this point I'm thinking about that youtube thumbnail of a fat shirtless little boy tom brady at his combine and there is blood in my ears and hate in my heart. I can just imagine Bill Belichick watching him waddle is way through the 40 and licking his lips. FUCK.
And don't even get me started on their fans. One of my "friends" is a Warriors and a Patriots fan. THEY'RE ON OPPOSITE COASTS YOU FUCK. And he has the nerve to call me out for being a lakers and a dolphins fan. LA DIDN'T HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM WHEN I STARTED WATCHING, YOU STUPID BITCH. I CHOSE THE TEAM WITH THE PRETTY COLORS CAUSE I DIDNT REALIZE THEY WOULD HAVE SATAN HIMSELF IN THEIR DIVISION. AND THE PHINS AND LAKERS SUCK. I love how on this subreddit you can go to any given comment thread and find some idiot with a patriots flair talking about tom brady. Every patriots fan would let tom brady shit in their cereal every morning for a FORTNIGHT just to suckle one of his ring fingers. and I just KNOW that they're reading this right now, because they infest game threads like a ganon of leeches, and halfway through skimming it with their limited reading skills they realize they have an erection, so they ctrl+shift+n and search tom brady long hair until they bust a nut onto the keyboard, posting comments like "if this wasnt brady people would think this was cool" and "Le Belichick is da dark lord XD XD" or just "mmmphmmgofgpsngfjg" because they still have Tom Brady's DICK in their mouth.
They say don't cheer for injuries. Fuck that. I hope Tom Brady gets hit by an airplane. He'll be screaming at one of his coaches who works day in and day out for him, because the pats are only up 49-3, and some insane fan will just lose it and prison shank him 18 times, and then once more for good measure. And I'll watch that shit on youtube for the rest of my life. I'll be there at his funeral to comfort Gisele with hors d'oeuvres but when it's my turn to sprinkle dirt on his coffin I'll drop a picture of Eli Manning instead. And when security drags me out for causing a rumpus I'll just laugh and laugh, because I know that I hired the insane fan to do it. It was my plan all along. All I had to do was promise him the chance to wear top bradys skin. Oh, you thought the funeral was closed casket out of respect? No, no my friend. His SKIN is gone. Where is it now, you ask? It's been... distributed. A small bribe to the chef was all it took. And now Gisele is wondering why her pig in a blanket has the faint taste of avocado ice cream, and the tears begin again as my laughter drowns out the wind and the rain. And the world keeps spinning. I am home now. Some days are good. Some days aren't. All I can do is live what life Brady has left me.