DATEPOINT | CYCLE **CLASSIFIED** | ROTATION **CLASSIFIED** | LOCATION **CLASSIFIED**
**MISSION FAILED, CONTENTS CLASSIFIED. AUTHORIZATION KEY:**
AUTHORIZATION ACCEPTED WELCOME *MISSINGNO*
DATEPOINT | CYCLE 67,182,295 | ROTATION 285 | LOCATION ORBITINNG 3RD PLANET OF YELLOW DWARF W2S4594
This is ridiculous, I know we’re a sentience elimination squadron but what the fuck. This is the second time we’ve had to… HELP: SENTIENCE ELIMINATION
SENTIENCE ELIMINATION: In order to ensure our complete and total reign over the galaxy after the Interstellar Wars of
the early 1,000,000’s we, the High Priests of the Holy Grak’trbrg Empire, have seen fit to convert our military into
various squadrons for the purpose of the elimination of sentient beings that may reach the stars and pose a threat to
our Empire. The first squadrons of this noble force were still perfecting their means of elimination and various exotic
means were initially…
This is the second time we’ve had to come to this Perfl’rkt forsaken rock to exterminate a pest. Are we going to have to start leaving surveillance drones to keep watch over these damned things? While our warp drives don’t make traveling from system to system too much of a hassle to have to visit the same system twice is unheard of.
Ah but the first time we came here was fun, those were the days, back when the fucking liberals weren’t so… fucking annoying. We used to be able to just lay waste to the whole planet, we didn’t have to worry about the casualties of our attacks so long as the sentients were destroyed, we didn’t even have to leave it habitable, which is why I’m surprised these new beings have managed to rise up after we towed an asteroid from their belt and hurled it at their planet all those cycles ago. That was back when we could exterminate a target just for having thoughts outside the realm of survival and instinct. Those “One Big Talon Wielders”[Velociraptor?] as we called them, never saw it coming. But the entire planet was a Hell hole of the most terrifyingly dangerous creatures I’ve ever seen, it’s for the best that they’re all gone I suppose, although I could have used them for sentience suppression and elimination, but their elimination was long before that idea even came about, no matter.
How these new beings rose out of the dust is entirely beyond me, I’m no scientist, but I don’t give a shit, I just need to make sure they die, which with my newest team of monsters, I should be able to eliminate them in whatever corner of the world they may reside.
Another thing those damned hippy liberals mandated was that elimination can only occur if advanced tool use and social structure is detected, which makes the list of things for me to kill considerably smaller, much to my dismay. It makes for some thousands of boring cycles where, as before, I was almost constantly out on duty. Why do we even use the old revolution time measurement system anymore? We can’t die of natural causes anymore and there’s nothing in the universe that can kill us, old habits I suppose.
Back to the task at hand.
These strange, hairy, brown colored… things. My readouts tell me that the sun somehow damages the DNA in their dermis and the dermis attempts to protect itself by darkening? Once again, not my field. Now for the more boring part of my job.
Brain size: 7-8 rictums [550-650CC] Height Average: 6.7 octs [1.3M] Weight Average: 108 pynch [32kg]
Notes: They appear to be covered in a thin layer of hair, with a concentration of it on the tops of their heads and above each eye, both of which are forward facing. They are bipedal and omnivorous. Surprisingly, they hunt as well as scavenging for the meat they do consume. As with almost all sapients, they have vertical symmetry. They have strong calcium and tissue all throughout their bodies in order to support themselves on their ridiculously heavy planet. They all appear to be located on one continent of this world, but from what the sentience dishes are picking up they have thoughts of exploration and expansion.
Now to commence with the beast distribution. I have dropped the most dangerous beasts at my disposal, large and small, on their planet on all the continents of their deathworld as a precaution if they are not destroyed quickly enough by the beasts on their own continent.
I am dropping off only carnivorous monsters, as they seem to pose the biggest threat to these hunter/gatherers and there is an abundance of local herbivorous fauna for them to feast on when they cannot find their pre-programmed prey… I think I’ll name them “Tool Wielders” for, what they do not have in anatomy, they make up for in tool use. Once my predatory monsters have eliminated the Tool Wielders they should fit right into the food chain on this planet and be able to suppress sentience indefinitely.
Beast pods deployed.
Fast Fanged Pouncing Fur [BIG CAT] Status: Landed … Safe … Responding
Large Furred Crusher [BEAR] Status: Landed … Safe … Responding
Bipedal Furred Large Paw [NOT RECOGNIZED] Status: ERROR … UNKNOWN … NO RESPONSE
Medium Furred Pack Hunt [WOLF] Status: Landed … Safe … NO RESPONSE
Small Venom Barbed Armor [SCORPION] Status: Landed … Safe … Responding
Small Slither Venom Fang [SNAKE] Status: Landed … Safe … Responding
Total Status: 4 Fully functional, one unknown (pod unresponsive after launch), one unresponsive (pod
landed, code failure [LINE 446832]*
Shit, those were my last Furred Large Paws. I’ll have to resupply when I return to Head Quarters. It’s a shame the Furred Pack Hunters aren’t responding, but with their adaptability and sheer predatory might they should be able to kill the Tool Wielders even if they aren’t pre-programmed to hate and kill them.
The rest of the monsters should be quite adept in the destruction of these threats. The pods are modifying the beasts’ genetics to suit the environment in which they landed at the moment. These poor sentients won’t know what hit them, there’s no way they could survive the influx of monsters unto their world.
“Son of a bitch. I don’t believe it.”
“They sent carnivores programmed kill us?”
“That’s what it looks like.”
“So why did they fail?”
“From the looks of the genetic coding, it wasn’t designed to change after the pods programmed them.”
“You’re not helping.”
“It seems that the Grak’trbrg Empire didn’t expect their animals to evolve to such extents as they have. When the climate of the area that the animals were dropped in changed, the animals naturally adapted and evolved, as all animals do. But the need to evolve caused the coding that was meant to exterminate us to be altered and eventually forgotten. I can only assume that the lack of response in the ancestral wolves they dropped off led to their ability to be tamed and bonded so easily with our kind and also their ability to change genetic coding to such an extent to have all the different breeds of dog as we do today.”
“So you’re telling me that they successfully dropped off lions, tigers, leopards, bears, wolves, snakes, and scorpions to try to kill us?”
“Well, the ancestors of all of those, but essentially, yes.”
“And rapid evolution made their code fail?”
“Well, this is going to fucking blow biologists minds.”
“We can worry about that later, right now we have to worry about finishing hacking and downloading the rest of their intel before they raise the alarm.”
“You’re the brains, I’m just the guy with the gun making sure we don’t get killed, I can’t believe you chose the password 8675309.”
“Always do, alright, that’s everything, you know what, I’m going to pull up the display on that failed preda-…. No fucking way.”
“Jesus fucking Christ is that... is that fucking bigf-“
Alarms began to sound throughout the Capitol Vessel’s data chamber as infantry footsteps could be heard clanging against the metal floors of the corridors surrounding it.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
The two men leapt back into the safety of their warp pod, an ideal tool for slip-spacing into smaller areas such as the data chamber from their nearby cloaked Reconnaissance Ship. They needed all the info on the enemy they could get if they were going to defeat an empire as old as the dinosaurs.