I genuinely hate my mother and cut her out of my life.

So. Much. Guilt.

A little backstory, my childhood was the thing psychological thrillers about serial killer origin stories were made of. My cries for intervention were ignored by my mother. At one point my third grade teacher called the authorities who visited me at school to ask questions. I didn't say a word out of fear and loyalty, but I came home at the end of the day and handed the detective's card who visited with me at school to my mother. She ripped it up in front of me and told me never to speak on it again. My mother not only knew of the abuse I was going through and did nothing about it, but willingly put me in situations knowing I would be hurt out of convenience for her. She took off when I was about 16, leaving me and my younger sister to fend for ourselves. She came back about a year later with no explanation as to where she was. At that point I had graduated high school, and moved out on my own.

As adults, I have done my best to forgive her. I have gone to therapy, worked the 12 steps, done trauma processing ... everything. I did a radical forgiveness workshop where I learned to forgive both my parents - and have done my best to work through everything. My mother refuses to even acknowledge the truth or try to repair with me. Her official party line is, "That was so long ago why can't you just move on?" She doesn't understand my being heard, and then healing with me is what I need to move all the way on. Any time I try to speak with her about anything more surface than her clothes or what she's making for whatever holiday, I am shut down. She drinks a lot and is BEYOND MEAN when she drinks. Often saying awful, hurtful things and then claiming not to remember when I bring it up.

She is judgemental about everything that I do. She doesn't like my hair and clothes, my job, anyone I date, the way that I parent my daughter, the fact that I have tattoos, the way that I speak, how loud I am, where I live, my weight ... I can go on and on. Every conversation I have with her she knocks me down in one way or another. I do my best to be kind and compassionate, but her negativity about who I am combined with my past trauma and resentment towards her and her inability to allow me space to heal, I am just done.

We had a family wedding not to long ago and it was so uncomfortable. The way she treated me in front of family I hadn't seen in years was cruel. It was watching her lips curled in a sneer as she made a comment about me not having a college degree (I'm sorry I was too busy working 3 jobs at 18 to support myself to get student loan debt) that I realized ... I hate this woman. Genuinely, honestly hate her and want her out of my life.

After the wedding I got home and wrote a lot, meditated a lot, and realized that I don't need this negativity in my life. I sent her a text saying I was excusing myself from her life and if she wanted to see my daughter, to work it out with my ex. Who she still has a close relationship with.

I feel better, but still guilty. I don't feel safe telling anyone in my life that I made this choice because I am afraid of, "THAT'S YOUR MOTHER". Dude. I've tried my best to love her. I just can't.

/r/confession Thread Parent