I feel you. I've had the same struggles, and I'm sure many of our fellow ENTJs can relate. And you're completely right that it can lead to unhealthy things, like defensiveness or a buildup of resentment.
I wrote out an overly-lengthy story of when I realized it, but I'll just say the main points. I resented a then-friend (it fell apart for other reasons) when we were in charge of a group in college. He was a useless figurehead who did more harm than good (like permanently losing some funding by neglecting to attend a mandatory meeting), while I made significant and permanent positive changes to leave a legacy, but he was publicly praised while I was not even acknowledged. The key is that he had a higher title than me because of his charisma, and he was usually fun to be around, whereas I was the person who had to make up for his failings, make people do their work (this was a music group they chose to audition for), and keep everyone on schedule. A couple times I was abrasive and I was often visibly annoyed when people were being ridiculous, but even though I was right, that didn't matter. No one cares if you're right if they associate you with negative feelings.