Assalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah, some of us are blesser with a loving extended family.

However, I have grown to realise that that is not the case for everyone. Take my wife’s family for example. There are certain people in her family that she and her younger brother does not like. When I first got to know my wife back then, she said that she is “prefers not to be close” to some of the extended family. Her brother outright said he hates them.

There js always a reason for things and I decided to just have حسن الظن as there is always a reason for everything.

I learnt later on that those people (uncles / aunties / much older cousins) would go to my wife’s family’s house when my wife and her younger brother were young (younger than 12) and physically threaten and verbally abuse them. Those people would throw the things in the house in anger. Just because they were not happy with things like my wife’s mother (who is in-laws with those people), wanted freedom and making family decisions. Or that she didn’t want to have to entertain her mother-in-laws guests every single day after she goes back from work and have to cook for 10-20 guests every single day when she reaches home after work.

I personally had experience of the things those people can do. One of those “uncles” spoke to my wife in their language which I did not understand back when we were just married. I was right beside her. I found out later, when I saw my wife sad and my mother-in-law defending her that apparently, he had yet again threatened and was rude to my wife for no reason besides her obeying my request for her to stay by my side as I was feeling awkward. Apparently that person was mad because my wife didn’t go and get him a drink, even though he never even requested it in the first place. He also insulted my wife and said she and her mother had no manners and are bad Muslims as she never greeted him and shook his hands in salam, even though she is not even his mahram and should not even be having physical contact.

The fact that the man had the audacity to do all that to my wife, when I, the husband, was right there is just atrocious. And he didn’t even have the moral courage to say that in English, even though he can speak it perfectly fine. And that the Rasulullah صَلَّى ٱللَّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلَّمَ forbidded Muslims from speaking a different language in company of those that do not understand it.

So, yes. It might seem weird and unfamiliar to us. You will meet many characters in your search. Have حسن الظن always or it’s going to be hard to find the right one. It is highly unlikely (or even impossible) for you to find someone with only traits you like.

Of course, I can’t force you or anyone to like someone when they have a trait you dislike. That is entirely your right to choose. However, remember that even after marrying your wife, you will learn more things about each other. You may not have anything you dislike about her before living together. What if you find something about her you dislike after that?

In the end, our ability to love and respect one another in spite of the flaws we see, is as as important as loving and respecting one another for the positive traits that we see.

Of course, Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala knows best and may Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala ease yout affairs in finding your spouse.