last night i came home from a comedy show and had a bit of a breakdown. my anxiety has been a real motherfucker the last three weeks or so, and while this week was much better than last (thanks to, in part, abstaining from caffeine almost entirely), it has been a really rough and tumble time.

last night i came home and i thought about the past few connections i've had with people, both casual and committed, and i realize how much i think i disappointed those people who were really drawn to the persona i can put on from the outside. charming, although still abrasive, gregarious, clever, disarming and a little rude--it makes it easy to meet people and easy to win them over. i've become pretty good at it, over time. it's a part of me, but not all of me, and i don't know that i've ever had a romantic relationship where something other than that has been appreciated.

this outer self has served me insanely well--i know it's a useful tool, but in many ways, i know it is hindering me from being vulnerable to other people who are willing to be vulnerable. i recognize that i end up involved with these hyperwitty, banter-driven conversationalists who use that sharp-witted, fasttalking conversational style to create familiarity and draw others in while also maintaining a significant distance. i recognize that i do this too.

last night i ended up laying on my bed and had a heavy sob session--mascara running, body heaving, ugly cry. i don't know how to be a way i have never been before. i don't know how to be a different way than i am now. i know that i need to do it, and that i want to do it, but so much of that outer self feels integral to me, so how do i discard it? how do i keep the parts of me that feel true while discarding the parts of me that are inhibiting and obscuring me? i don't know, and it scares me. what if i can't do it?