Do you currently have a doctor or therapist?

I had a therapist last year when the voices began to disrupt my life. The voices were externalized in other people's conversations and they were all talking about me negatively. My therapist had a method of listen and let the patient figure it out for himself. She never once told me my delusions were incorrect. Even when I told her I regularly have telepathic conversations with a coworker. She had 15 years of experience, a university education and numerous certifications, so I believed her when she told me "people do talk a lot about other people." and that I should go on anxiolytics. Well, I took her advice and told a psychiatrist that I had social anxiety. I did not tell her about the people all talking about me as I was convinced they were real.

While the anxiolytic abuse (up to 20 times the regular prescribed amount for social anxiety per day mixed with alcohol for about a year) I successfully destroyed that type of thinking, along with the higher analytical functioning parts of my brain.

I don't see myself getting disability benefits for being dumb. All the paranoia, and negative thinking is essentially gone. It is a really relieving feeling. But it coexists with a deep pit feeling in my stomach that has lasted for half a year now. That is my remorse. I can't live without it because otherwise I would be a sociopath.

As for employment, there's not much I can do short of washing dishes and maybe retail. But I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm a mentally incapacitated, criminal with an engineering degree (which only shows what I was once capable of).

I know what it's like to struggle trying to make money. I saw it first hand at the retail and service jobs that my dad made me work in highschool. It gave me a perspective of what it's like to struggle in life when you don't work hard in school.

I don't wamt to struggle and regret my whole life. I've ruled out the possibility of a wife and kids due to my past which may come back to haunt me. I'm pretty set on ending it on Saturday.

Most of reddit would probably say good riddance if they knew what I had done.