I don't actually see myself dying. Just, being hurt. I don't see myself dead just very weak in these situations where I melt into the ground, I suppose. I haven't been drowned but I was abused as a kid and as an adult a boyfriend help me up by my throat till I almost passed out. Maybe it's related.
I avoided add meds because I thought i could mentally over come it myself. I figured most of my problems were environmental. And if i tried hard enough i can focus, i got straight As in school so i didnt want to 'poison my temple' when its 'clearly not necessary ' but now I wonder even if my life is okay, could it have been better? I'm not successful and it's hard for me to commit to things. I sometimes forget what I walked into the room for. I misplace many things on the daily to the point I get visibily upset at over it.
For the anti depressants, my parents were going thru a vicious divorce. I was actually happy bevause that meant I didn't have to see my mother ever again. After not seeing her for a year I was court ordered to move into her house within the week. And I was not allowed to see my father who was the only one in my family who ever showed me love. I started skipping school (art and pe class) to the point they threw me in jail, w not much warning at all. Next they put you in truancy court. So they made me go to a psychiatrist and she put me on Prozac. I thought it was bs. But they wouldnt listen to my explanation. If they just let me go home and leave me alone I would be fine and happy. My mother was abusive and would pick fights w my sister and I to get us arrested (she was always abusive, and when we were in high school we started to fight back, only in defense and not very well, i never hit my mother but maybe i should have. My mom hit me in the face where half my face was red, she called the cops ran to her room and hit herself in the face). She wanted us on probation so we would be more easily controlled. I'd probably be much more willing to take the drugs if this was not the situation. I told my therapist this and the next time I saw the judge she said she'll force feed them to me or drug test for it (is that even possible??)
Maybe I don't understand the difference. I feel like it isn't major because a lot of fkd up stuff has happened. It's not like everything is great or normal in my life yet I'm sad for no reason.
I had huge life set back recently and I haven't been myself in two months. Was never a crier and I haven't cried for a long time yet I think I've cried almost every day for past 2 months. I've let it get under my skin. I stopped working out, stopped eating stopped sleeping (tho past 3-4days have been better). I feel it's totally normal to be devastated I'm not acting like a normal functioning adult, and perhaps outside help is needed to get me back on track.