As someone who takes a while to orgasm and requires special attention as well I wanted to respond.

I am not that happy about my current situation so I'm going to talk about my ideal situation. Ideally I'm going to have an orgasm if I want to and I also want to be an active participant. I am incredible frustrated if I am horny and don't orgasm and I want my satisfaction to be equally important as his, even if it takes longer or "special work". But I also don't like it when everything is done to me. I want to make him happy too and make him squirm until he can't take it anymore and do foreplay on him. I just consider PIV equal work because I stay on top as long as he wants or my feet hurt.

In my opinion there are three different solutions: 1) Cutting down the time spent on me (less foreplay, quickies, blowjobs) 2) Fooling around for hours 3) Taking care of my own orgasm

1) I don't like that one, it means that I'm frustrated the majority of the time. 2) I like that one the most, but then you're going into the bedroom and suddenly you fucked for 2 hours and neither of you know wtf you were doing so long and then you feel bad that you can only sleep for 5 hours. 3) That wouldn't work for me during PIV. It ruins my orgasm if there is something in me.

It's not selfish if your hand hurts. But if you just stop doing it without an explanation it could be interpreted as selfish. You could say "sorry my hand hurts, would you help me a bit". I have often done that with handjobs and have never gotten a negative reaction.

Tip for fingering: Alternate between moving your fingers, wrist and forearm.