tell me if im misinterpreting you but you feel as if you ought to be more masculine in appearance because you are her boyfriend, and that you ought to be a boy because of your hormones and genitals and sex characteristics, right? and you want to be free of this line of thought because it makes you feel like youre not in control

it may sound like what im about to say is paradoxical, but bear with me: just because you are a protean meatbag of chemical reactions born to die doesnt mean you cant have and exercise radical free will and be in control of your existence

it can be hard to change the way you view things, or think about things, etc. but with effort and help you can really change anything about yourself

my advice to you is to abandon the idea of 'ought to', and start thinking of 'want to' instead. 'ought to' work out because you are a boy? do you want to work out? do you want to be a boy? what is a boy to you?

it feels really exhausting and difficult to try and answer those kinds of probing questions, and (at least in my experience) often times its easier and healthier to just let notions go and be rid of them rather than try to define yourself into rigid indentities or lines of thought that you may not even know what they mean to you

i would describe myself as agender. in my case i had a lot of personal dilemma because i held certain ideals about what i find attractive in myself and others and i felt like total shit because i was a boy and boys were sposed to have different ideals. rather than throw my gender away and free myself from societal notions however i found that i would be under less ridicule from the public eye if i were a girl instead - so i became a girl but i still didnt feel right - trying to put myself in any group that i didnt have control over the definition of just felt restrictive and i felt as if i was a slave to primitive societal/scientific standards of gender

over time, and from talking to loving friends and reading/watching etc. individualist philosiphers such as max stirner and slavoj zizek and whatever i came to the realization that i dont have to be a boy or a girl, i am my body and thats it. i learned to take control of what things meant in my head, i learned how to throw thoughts away or change them when i felt as if there was a conflict with something else i thought, almost like i could debate with and love and talk with myself like i could another person -- it was very liberating, and through this i threw away gender because it wasnt of use to me -- why have an idea in my head that i pretend isnt mine telling me what to do all the time, when it doesnt even make me feel good? i accept now that all thoughts in my head are mine and it puts me in control so i can pursue feeling good more efficiently.

i just realized i typed a shitton of stuff that might not be useful to you or your wellbeing at all, sorry it got away from me

i really do reccomend gentle loving exploration of your thought processes/body to see what parts of you may want to reclaim control of or change or rid of. looking at yourself from a psychoanalytic/biological perspective CAN be healing, if you are doing it in the mindset of self love, self control, and wanting to feel good in general

why wallow purposeless when you can just make some up yourself?

apologies again if this is too long or useless to you. know that i want to help and this comment comes from a place of love and an attempt at understanding

i wish you luck, stranger