Guilty.

Thank you for your response. It seems like you know me well. I've been stuggling with anxiety for half of my life now, Severe one, aswell as a case of paranoia. I have been going to therepist for half a year maybe, but I had to stop because every single meeting was a bad bad case of anxiety for me and I couldn't take it no more. I had to take a bug amout of calming medicine just to meet with my therapist, and I couldn't consentrate while in the meeting itself. I just stared at the plant that she had and tried not to rip my pants apart so I stopped going and I stopped responding to their texts and calls.

I am afraid to loose my friend. I am afraid to loose her more than I am afraid of death and I am genuine. I have no family, My dog and my friend are the only ones whom I talk to. I have known her for years and She knows everything about me. My darknest secrets, my dreams and wishes, everything. She understands me more than I understand myself. I do not think i could live without her, even a thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. However, there is one thing.

Of course it is my fault, not hers, Do not take me wrong please, I am not saying that she is a bad person by any means but I think that she doesn't care about me as much. She often says that she doesn't give a crap about me or any situation involving me. I am sure that deep down she loves me just as much, but she does relieve her anger on me often and tries to buy me things to make up for it. Every morning I feel uneasy and very anxious about getting messages from her. What if she is angry again? What if she hates me today? She has no problem with calling me nasty names and hurting me, But Again, She is a great person, I love to death, i am not saying that she is bad, don't get me wrong.

Recently she started telling me that she will commit suicide by hanging after her birthday (Sometimes in a jokingly tone, sometimes not.) I can't sleep. I can't eat. I saw a picture in the internet of a hanging man and I had a two day long panic attack. I am sure it is not her fault but mine, i shouldn't be as sensitive. But that was horrible. If she dies, I die too, but sometimes I feel as if I will end myself sooner because of the unbearable daily stress. And her birthday is after one month. And Today she waited in cold for me. I am such a looser.

/r/mentalhealth Thread Parent