after years of getting abused at home and bullied/ostracized in school, I gave too much of my life to my ex. looking back, i was stupid and naive but i guess that's what love is.

she cut me off from my friends and threatened to kill herself during my final exams (which irreparably fucked up my grades). i skipped internship season so she wouldn't hurt herself. when she didn't get into med school, i killed my career by moving to the rural hospital where she found a job.

we were both extremely unhappy a year in. she pushed me to get drugs and alcohol. I ended up in the hospital one time for that. that also killed my chances to get a prestigious job in my field.

she finally 'made it' and thought she'd help me as i did for her. one month in and she found a fellow med school student to be her bf. they're probably married by now.

moved back to my home town to reconnect with family/friends. after getting shit jobs and being generally depressed, they turned on me. i don't blame them but i should have never returned home.

now i'm in a different state and working a shit job before i apply for grad school. i want to make a career switch but my educational letters of rec are 5+ years old. i mean would they even remember me? i want to make the leap but i'm tired, and frankly i'm scared. i don't want to fail again but i can't continue like this. i want to just pack all the things up in my car and run away.