Wow! I'm relating to the story of both of you and that article to a scary degree, and it sucks for all of us, but is nice to feel like someone out there relates!!!
Me and my ex had dated once before and it was extremely toxic to us both. Then after 4 years of what I thought was growth on both parts, he very heavily pursued me. I was cautious, I resisted, I told him what I wanted out of a relationship that I didn't he think he wanted, I brought up repeatedly the faults in myself that I wanted to work on, but he assured me and assured me and assured me! So we dated and there was a time when things seemed really good, but eventually he didn't want to work on it anymore.
When I had gotten to various points where it wasn't working, I'd always stay and we'd work together to make it work, I guess he only felt like he was worth it because he called off our wedding 2 months ago. He'd started drinking again, after months of resentment. He acted like I was a prude because I wasn't okay with the cracking of a beer in the morning shower and using the day and a mickey to get drunk until you pass out. With the lying to me and his former work about where he was. Or the drinking and driving that had once resulted in an accident. In the times he was sober we would smoke weed, do mushrooms, tried opium, and he used kratom daily, just never wanted it to be casual. But he wanted to drink again, and I wanted to support him. I saw that it was something he was missing, something missing from his life and friendships and I wanted him to be happy though I was scared it would get out of hand, so I'd made suggestions to accommodate us both like trying counseling while he was drinking, me moving out but us staying together to see how it went, or just going out for beer and not having it in the house just to ease back into it. But he wanted to drink, and he didn't want me. I had to stay at our place for a week before I'd moved out and by the Friday that I left I was already replaced by a bottle and a half of wine a day.
Like in the article I always openly asked him about fears, and other things the article mentions. Experiences that shaped him or made him vulnerable and he always said he didn't have any. Whenever I wanted to lay in bed and talk and get to know eachother he wouldn't want to. In the 5 years of on and off dating, I can only remember one conversation where he actually talked about deep, and not just surface level feelings (except of course for when he was mad at me, and boy oh boy did he get mad at me, and take off or not allow me to talk to him for days, by hiding in the basement and just leaving the room any time I tried to resolve it).
Like you both I'm not as angry at the loss of the relationship, but more at the wasted time. He had proposed to me, we were going to get married in two months, my Dad is quite sick, and this might be the only opportunity I'd have for him to walk me down the aisle. I mean it's better that we didn't get married if be wasn't in love, but I could've used the two and a half years we were together to work on myself and leave myself open for someone who does, so that I could've had the experience of walking down the aisle with my dad
But after a particularly harsh text I received from him last week in which he berated me and blamed me for his drinking, I still wanted to give it one last shot, only to be shot down. Up until that point I was set to move on, but still recognized all the things I loved in him and things I could've done to improve things, but being shot done a second time after laying it all out was so freeing. I had truly tried it all, and now I no longer owe him any part of me.
It's reading these posts and hearing similar stories that is giving me the much needed perspective to see that I'm not the only one going through something like this, and that there are going to be healthy and happy relationships for us in the future.
None of my friends are going through anything like this so I appreciate being able to process here, with people who understand. I realize that my ex has his own very skewed perception of how things went and no matter what he will only see what he sees (my mom van be like that so I'm used to letting it go). I feel like my heart isn't accountable to any man. I feel so free to fill it with love for myself, my friends and family and then eventually someone who will really appreciate all of the amazingness I have to offer :)
Thank you to you both for sharing, and letting me tac on a vent of my own:) I woke up this morning feeling happy with a tint of blah but what you've both shared has elevated me. Good luck to you both and keep posting