I always knew, ALWAYS but her love was just... Idk I thought it was different. Just fucking heart shit man. I just thought she'd love me. I can't believe I amost killed myself for her. I just wanted her love. That's all I ever wanted. But the life we have been living could not be any more different. She will never understand me. Ever. Like no matter what I say she will never understand how shitty my life was before I met her. She was my first real love that I wanted to get things right with but I can't place my wishes upon someone else. She's just a normal person. I wasn't even her first real love or whatever. Nobody special. I tried my hardest to change for her and become a better person just for her to lose interest completely. It's fine. I don't care. Never dating again. Love fucks with my mind. Like fucks everything I am about. I don't ever wanna be in a relationship or ever be with anyone or start or family or anything remotely like that. But love just fucks with my mind. Gives me fake hope. Makes me waste my time. Makes me do stupid shit. Makes me feel happy and safe but it's all fake. just a hallucination.