Harry Potter is actually about sexuality, not magic

Well, I guess I'm gonna try to turn this into an offensive 4chan greenpost text now.

Be me

Grew up as a fucked up orphan kid

Some half-famous serial freak killed both my parents and did weird sex stuff with me when I was a baby that has left me scarred for life

Grew up with shitty relatives who didn't give a fuck about me and sent me to boarding school first chance they got

Wouldn't even buy me school supplies. Some groundskeeper guy from the school has to take me shopping for the essentials

Entire school is obsessed with sex

Like the kids segregate themselves in dorms based on what sex they're into. All the faggots in the basement dorm together.

Everyone knows who I am. Famous in the papers as the kid who lived through all that shit. They won't even say the serial freaks name though

Some people are really supportive but there is this pale faggot fuck and his friends who mock me for what I've been through and try to get me into their dorm building because they want to turn me

OP is not a faggot

They almost put me into that faggots dorm but I begged to be put in the "good normal people" dorm

School is pretty awesome after that, sex everywhere

Did I mention that the sex was fucking magic?

Ride off my popularity, join their weird ass sports team

You've never heard of it. Only played between a few boarding schools, lots of weird made up rules

basically just everyone moving around really fast throwing, catching, and dodging balls, trying to get them in goals

But I was basically the fucking quarterback of it. The role everyone wanted to be. Broke my arm playing against that pale faggot's team once, I think they did it on purpose.

Have a best friend from my dorm. We both hang out with this one chick because she is a fucking pro at sex

I have a cool uncle that I would have loved to have lived with but he's doing some serious time. I don't know how he even managed to mail it but he sends my a bigass coat for christmas.

Best gift I've ever received. All my other clothes are school uniforms and this thing covers me up pretty well

I'm so used to everybody knowing who I was and looking at me, but in this coat its like I'm invisible

You could fill a few books with all the crazy adventures me and my friends have around the school. Again, mostly involving sex.

As I get older the serial freak is still at large and starts making the papers again

Seriously fucked up. He tries to abduct me from the school grounds during a sort of track and field tournament

Everyone is seriously on edge after this, school gets tons of new security, it freaks people out

Almost graduated and this fuck freak is still out there

Having serious issues. I swear I saw my dead parents in a mirror once

Can't stand that this serial freak is still out there

I'm going to have to kill this fuck or die trying

School doesn't allow weapons and security is fucking tight but I manage to get this blade anyways

Don't even know where it came from. I think I found it in a hat but I was probably just crazy. It was too big to even fit in the hat

Drop out of school to try to kill this freak

Lot of shit goes down, I finally end up finding him back at the school

Crazy fucking cult with him too, it was a huge ordeal that destroyed entire parts of the school

But bloody hell, I killed Voldemort

Posting it here so that I have proof I made it first

/r/FanTheories Thread