I'm here as a 29 year old adult who was never close with my father's parents.

I was an observant kid. I could tell something was up with my grandma (weird to call her that since I never did) even when I was very small. She never had it together. She was quiet around me but I would walk into our kitchen and see her pointing in my mother's face. She lives in a trailer with a million roaches, she didn't have a car and for some reason my dad wouldn't let her buy her own groceries (or this is how i gathered my dad not trusting her with money when i was so small).

She only held me a few times and it felt weird. I never spent the night because the trailer smelled like smoke and my aunts & uncles were up at all hours.

She died when I was 9. Killed herself dramatically in an attempt to be a martyr. No one really brings her up, so... no success.

However, I got married and pregnant and my mom finally opened up about what a burden this woman was on them as a young couple. My mom was 19, dad 24. Both in school, both busted their ass full-time at work. My grandma pressures them for money every month. My dad is the only one working in his whole family, so he caves. Started off at $100/mo (enough for groceries & power in the 70s). Grandma was shitty with credit and never had a job, so bills piled up and my dad was now on the hook (according to his mom) for $300 and $500 bills because late/reconnect fees.

When I was 8 or 9, my dad turned our carport into an extra room. Not because there were 4 of us kids in a 2 br house, but for his mother who refused to work at the ripe old age of 54.

She starved herself shortly after. I don't remember her fondly.

Sorry I depressingly hijacked your post, but you and your husband will raise smart kids who notice something is off with your in laws, if you just let them. Mention smoking is bad because it is. Stand your ground to ILs about cutting crazy shit out in front of the kids. Their true colors will show and they wont mimic the behavior because they will see it as weird.