I hate having autism.

I hate having autism too. When I was a very young child, I had to take an autistic spectrum test, and was so close to being considered autistic. Of course, this was during a time when there wasn't as much of an understanding for autism, so I wasn't diagnosed with it then, and instead, was diagnosed with a language disorder that had something to do with me not being able to socialize well. For most of my childhood, I wanted to believe that there was no way I could be autistic. That the only reason I was close to being autistic on that test was because of my language disorder. Then I ended up getting over my language disorder, but end up being diagnosed with high-functioning autism. Go figure.

Growing up really sucked. Especially since I didn't understand why I was so different, or why I had to get extra academic help. I was literally bullied by most of the kids at school all through out elementary school and middle school, and even in high school, I still get yelled at and pushed around sometimes. Though most of the bullying now comes from my brother, who was blessed with high intelligence and superior social skills.

Speaking of my brother, it seems as if my siblings got all the good genes, while I was stuck with the crappy ones. It's almost unrealistic how perfect they are, while I seem to suck at everything. This definitely didn't help me feel any better about myself, and it's still hard to accept to this day. They seem to have no problem rubbing this in my face either. I'm sure if they didn't do this, I wouldn't resent them so much. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them for the pain they caused me when they know perfectly well that I can't help how I am.

I wish people had given me more emotional support, instead of trying to change who I was. Adults who were responsible for me would always tell me how to act, and would scold me if I did something even a little weird, as if my life would be ruined if I let myself be quirky. They acted as if my personality was something I could change in one second, but it would take me so long to fix one little thing with it. It didn't matter if they made me upset. For whatever reason, me getting upset would almost always be put off as me being a brat. It would always be my fault for causing pointless drama. Now a days, I'm just a narcissist to most people, since I apparently only care about myself, and never think I'm the problem (even though I'm 'always trying to start them'). I really need to get out of the habit of standing up for myself. Who would've ever thought it would be a toxic one to have?

Also, I hate how I ended up with the whole 'exaggerated emotions' thing. When I'm happy, I act like a hyper puppy, and it annoys people to the point where they feel the need to yell at me. When I'm angry, I just want to scream and break everything around me. When I'm sad, I feel so hopeless; to the point where I feel like I'll never be happy again. It doesn't help that I sometimes feel like I'm having a heart attack when I get upset.

I'm not sure if you wanted to hear my experiences with autism, but I just thought I'd share why I think this disorder sucks, and just shouldn't exist at all. I'm sorry if this rant annoys you.

/r/offmychest Thread