Hello, I registered just to reply to you. I read here all the time, but never felt compelled to join in until now. I am so sorry for all your pain and the loss of what should have been. I was also physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by my father. He's been gone over 15 years now, but sometimes I can remember some of it like it was yesterday. I am a female, he was a big powerful man. He could easily have killed me and I often thought he would. I also remember always holding my breath, waiting to see what kind of mood he was in. I was terrified to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I might wake him up. I get it, I really truly get it. People don't understand that even after decades, it still affects us. We are robbed of so many things, especially healthy relationships. When I see a young teen, confident, dating, excelling in sports, good grades, etc., I STILL mourn that I never had that. I was too afraid, too damaged for any of that. I couldn't sustain a good marriage or a successful career. I always ended up sabotaging anything good that came my way - all my old programming would flair it's ugly head and I'd find a way to ruin everything. People can tell you "it's not you" until the cows come home, but it doesn't change anything except maybe soften THAT moment. Our parents are powerful influences in our lives and kind words said by friends cannot undo what's been done. There is so much subconscious patterns playing out. My dad was not narcissistic. He was equally as damaged, actually worse, in his young life - and near the end of his life, he was alcoholic which didn't help a thing. Your mom sounds like a very mentally ill woman. You didn't break her, you can't fix her. You can never EVER get from her what you need. Heartfelt regret, acknowledgement of the horrific abuse and damage she's done. Tender, maternal, much needed love. You deserve that, but she doesn't have it to give. It's really sad, devastating actually, but you have to recognize and accept that even though she is your mother, she is not and never was the mother you need. It is time to mother yourself, so to speak. It took me DECADES of really hard work and 100% commitment to heal from my past. I resented almost all of it. Why did I have to do so much "work" when everyone else was out living and loving life? Didn't I already pay my dues? God I was angry. Eventually, if I wanted to get better, if I wanted to be happy and "normal", I knew I had to accept that I did indeed have to do the work. And I wanted that. I wanted that so badly I could taste it. The very first thing I had to do was LET GO. I had to just accept that my Dad was NEVER EVER EVER going to say he was sorry, was never going to acknowledge the abuse and trauma he put me through, and I had to be willing to let that go completely. It was like I kept going back, thinking this time it will be different. This time he will be proud of me, this time he will love me, maybe even just like me. THIS TIME never came. We always hear that we can't change anyone but ourselves, but for me, that took forever to sink in. Logically I would believe it, but my actions said otherwise...I kept going back. Until one day I didn't. It would take much too long to get into all the things I did to heal, but I did them all. Read every book, did every "exercise", beat the pillows, kept a journal, went to workshops, learned to meditate, learned Karate, wrote affirmations, listened to subliminal tapes, learned EFT tapping (emotional freedom technique), had massages to release the emotions, and ultimately learned to forgive myself for BELEIVING his cruel words and for being equally as cruel to myself. I sort of picked up where he left off in terms of abusing myself, in a multitude of ways. The more I left the past behind, and worked on myself, the better I got. And better and better. I had the same rage you have and man, I was so defensive. You couldn't say boo to me, and I'd take your head off. Funny that you're a lawyer as everyone always said I'd be a damn good one. Probably because I was so intimidating. In reality, I was so broken, but had a wall up so high and so thick, no one could penetrate it, no one could ever get close to me. Today, I am not that person. I have not just forgiven my dad but I love him, unconditionally. I do not condone any of his abuse, but I understand him so much better. I know he was reacting from his own pain, his own wounds, and that underneath it all...he really just wanted to love and be loved. I can see that now, but not then, no way. I don't think your mom is the same, and I don't even think she's a sociopath, but I do think she's severely mentally ill. None of us are qualified to deal with that. She needs real professional help but might be beyond help at this point. I'm so sorry again, it hurts me to see anyone go through this. You know, I learned a lot from my childhood. I learned what not to do when I had my own child. I was able to help some people who went through what I went though. I am kinder, more compassionate, more patient, because of my past. There are gifts in everything, even the worst things. I'll always wish things could have been different. I wish they were different for my dad. I can't imagine having to live with the demons he lived with, I can't imagine how it must have felt to be a man who beat little girls (my sister too). I would much rather be the one beaten then the one doing the beating. I could never live with myself. My dad hated himself, I know that now. I don't think he knew it though. I would not want to walk a day in his shoes. There are so many resources out there for you. Millions have walked in our shoes. I remember thinking if I can just find someone who went through what I went through and then went on to have a good life, then I would just copy them and have a good life too. And that's essentially what I did. I started with Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer. I would listen to their books on tape. Today, everyday, I continue working on me.....but now I enjoy it. The pain and rage is gone. You can heal too. You have to make the decision that it's time to let it all go and find a better way to live, and then.....you will. Much love.