Heya OP. I have social anxiety. Im not saying you also have social anxiety, but... id have a look into it. Feeling judged... avoiding situations for fear of confirming the worst...
Without help, the next step is either panic attacks or agoraphobia. I went the panic attack route (which piece by piece will chip away at every single safe space you thought belonged to you - panic attack in a big social event --> avoid/decline every invitation; panic attack at a restaurant with colleagues--> avoid/decline every invitation to those events. Panic attack whilst drunk with friends --> goodbye fake sociability coping mechanism. It eats into everything until the generalised fear of a panic attack occuring at random kills every instinct to say yes to any invitation. And the absolute cherry on top: now you ARE weird and being judged for continually refusing invitations.
I had something close to one the other day. Let me explain it so you can see if this is how your brain goes. I work as an ESL teacher in Korea. Korea is NOTORIOUS for socialising and harmony. I constantly refuse invitations. But im super friendly and cheerful (and can think on my feet). Teachers from last year know theres no point inviting me because i'll decline it, but new teachers will invariably push it.
Anyways, there was a CPR event in the hall. My co asked me if i could join them. I said 'no thanks'. Alles normal. But as it started a voice inside me said 'dude, just... you know... show up. If only for 5 minutes. Everyone will be stoked!'
So i did. I crept in 10 minutes after the event started. I stayed at the back of the hall while all the other teachers sat in a semi circle around 12 or so cpr dummies while the nurses at the front gave their presentation. I drew zero attention to myself. For a few minutes no one noticed me. Then it all happened... One teacher noticed me and beckoned me to come sit on the chairs. 'Im fine, dont worry!' said i, making sure i could duck out when it all got a bit much. Then my co popped over: "who made you come?" she asked. 'no one.' i replied, 'you asked me, so i thought id show up'. She was satisfied and all was good.
Then a couple of others started (including the Principal, (who i love, by the way and really hate being stubborn with because she's so... kind to me) 'dont WORRY!!! Im good!' i gestured. The presentation was in full swing. I was now feeling incredible embarrassment for the poor presenters dealing with people swinging around.
It settled down.
Then a teacher turned up late. They signed in. Did their temp check (covid), and started on at me to sit in one of the vacant chairs.
"im fine, "hahaha!"', i indicated.
It settled down.
Then another. Same thing. By now im genuinely mortified. "please, for the love of god, stop looking at me, just watch the presentation!' i internally screamed. I was about to crack.
A few moments later my colleague (who sits next to me in the teachers room), and is incredibly sweet, noticed me. And got up out of his seat, picked up a chair and started to bring it to me at the back of the hall whilst this poor nurse was mid presentation.
It was unbearable.
I didnt look at anyone. I was done. I did it quietly, but i walked out of the room and back to my happy safe space with my computer in a random (disused) room in the school (with aircon) where i could just get my head around it all. I couldnt explain to anyone why i sat at the back of the room (its taboo being a weirdo). All i could do was pretend, once again, to be a complete asshole and hope i could smile and charm my way out of it once the dust had settled.
Two hours later. The presentation is over. The teachers are back in the teacher's room. Feeling a little embarrassed i put on my best non-plussed face and headed back into the lion's den. My co wouldnt make eye contact. Immediately the math teacher chirps up about how as a teacher its my job... no, DUTY, to learn cpr (shes one of the new teachers this year). I explained i know CPR anyway. My mums a carer, my sister is a nurse, almost all my extended family basically work in the medical profession. This is basic common knowledge. I even gestured and got a laugh. "so you should learn it EVERY YEAR!!!" she came back.
It was hometime. She left, and as she left, not out of dickishness, but out of mild teasing (the math teacher loves teasing me) i said goodbye and 'happy cpr day!' in the friendliest voice i have. The science teacher, who understands some english giggled at the absurdity of the comment. And i knew id fucked up.
The next day i came to work saying good morning to everyone. I looked the math teacher in the eye, said 'good morning' with my happiest smile, and she completely blanked me.
"Five minutes! They'll be stoked!"
And all i can think, since TUESDAY afternoon, is how i suck, how i'll never get recontracted, how i can never change their minds, and how im completely and absolutely fucked and this is the absolute proof why you should never try to get out of your head and slowly improve your lot. What you should and MUST do is prevent this shit from ever happening again! I HAVE evidence!
But that voice is an asshole. Two weeks ago i realised. All i have to do is name it, ignore it and do something i love that would center me in the moment. To be honest, after leaving that hall i actually went to kick around a football on the school playing field. It didnt save me (see the consequence of the events), but it brought me out of it (because im super unfit, its like 35 degrees in the sun, and after 20 minutes i was sweating like a fat lad at a slipknot concert - for about an hour, my body wasnt letting me ruminate which let me be so chill at 4.40 when everyone was about to go home - and also led to my fuck up - but lets be clear, id take the fuck up and the repair over the hell that was about to break out (via panic attack), any day).
Im 45 (today! happy birthday to me!). Look into this. Because it gets far worse if you dont.