My partner has had major depression and anxiety for years which really came out full force around 6 years ago when we went thru a phase where he slept most of the day, he didn't leave the house except once a month to get his prescriptions and we also didn't have sex or even physical affection at all in our relationship for about 2 years at that point in time. He would literally turn me down if I tried to give him a friendly hug and definitely did not want to be kissed. He was dealing with suicidal thoughts in a daily basis and really hated himself.
The only medication he took just after that 2 year period of time which helped him both in terms of libido and with being open to affection also made him edgy and more likely to have anger issues/flip out over small things...so needless to say, he does not take that one anymore lol. My partner still has major depression and anxiety now, but after a few years of therapy and other medications he is able to go out with the kids and I again to do things and he doesn't sleep all the time or constantly think about killing himself.
Our sex life is still mostly non-existent though and he still doesn't do much in the way of physical affection except I was able to get him to understand that I do need an occasional hug or a kiss sometimes so if he is going out somewhere without me I usually do get that from him now...however during the period when his depression was at its worst and we went the 2 years without any physical affection or sex, no amount of me trying to reason with him about how we both likely still needed at least a bit of that stuff in our lives was able to get him to do it. He shut me out completely and while I hated to see him suffer and it hurt to see him feeling so low, his depression really made me suffer too. And at that time he eventually told me to go outside the relationship because he just couldn't provide that stuff. This was the exact opposite of what I needed to hear. I had to be strong everyday and keep making life positive and fun for the kids while doing everything myself and he legitimately thought the best solution was for me to just go outside the relationship for an occasional dose of sex and/or affection. It made me angry to even hear that but I tried to be open-minded because I didn't want to leave him over the lack of intimacy between us and so I did find a guy to see on occasion but it didn't help at all. It just made me feel more depressed that to my partner it was easier to have me have to go and see some other person than to just try to find a way to be intimate with me. I only saw the other person a couple of times and then gave up with that route. The sex was great but obviously O was having it with some stranger whom isn't going to be able to give me real affection or really share anything personal with me unless we made it into a whole relationship--at which point if I did go that route I wouldn't want to be juggling my life at home with some other second relationship. That would just feel like more work to me to be honest and I was feeling burnt out enough as it was back then.
Luckily, my partner as I mentioned before worked really hard in therapy on just dealing with daily life and eventually was able to become a rather functional person again which in itself has been really great for me too. We now go places together and do things as a family again which is awesome. Every few months we have sex and I get occasional hugs and am usually not turned down if I try to give him a hug too. Our intimacy/sex life right now is far from great but it is better than when he had shut me out completely before and I can genuinely handle it and not feel really down about it. However, if he never got any better I can say for sure that I would be a lot worse. Either physical or mental illness can really place some huge obstacles in relationships and sometimes it feels like there are no good solutions or choices left within that relationship...especially if the other person is in a place mentally where they would rather give up on trying to work at it. I really don't know if I would have stayed with my partner if he didn't take the initiative to work so hard on himself in therapy. The meds don't do much so that is all on him and I am proud of him for how far he has come and relieved that I can still be part of the journey while also staying sane lol.
Like you said, it is hard but still doable when you know your partner wants to try even if they can't do the things with you that they really want to...however when they are at a point where they don't want to try and you trying from your own end is actually making them want to divert your love away from them, that is truly heartbreaking. You don't deserve this and there is nothing wrong with you at all. Sometimes things do not go the way they should and it isn't your fault. And sometimes they miraculously get better and sometimes they don't...and not everyone has the incredible amount of mental stamina left to be able to wait for a miracle that may never happen. So I just want you to know that as you take time to process this deeply upsetting news, you are not alone and whatever you decide to do, just make the best decision you can at the time. You have done nothing wrong and there is no one right way to navigate thru these extremely tough types of situations. (((Hugs)))