This just happened tonight. I don’t even remember what I said but I remember being mean. He said “you’re being mean, I’m going home. I cried. And I didn’t stop crying until he left two hours later. I begged him not to leave. I low key want to die. I am so tired of this monster that wants to destroy my life. I have cried a total of six hours today. It would be so much easier to just not wake up.

Now I am sleeping alone because of this fucking disorder that makes me lash out on the man I love more than anything in the world. You wouldn’t know it from tonight. And now I will spiral tomorrow and then next day. And the next. Until god has mercy on my soul and lets me bleed.

Then there is the aftermath. “Why can’t you just be nice. I can’t stay with someone who won’t be nice to me.” That is all fair. So I guess I’m going to die alone. If it weren’t for my daughter I would just fucking end it now.

I feel beyond hopeless. All the stupid strategies in the world can’t compete with this.

I just want it to end.