Hey Prince! We still love you in Tigertown. Thanks for the two years of entertainment you gave us. Watching you smile every day, bro around in the clubhouse, throw down legendary bat flips and pull some hilarious shenanigans made even the eventual bad days in a baseball season enjoyable. Unfortunately, there are some people who take athletes and their successes or failures way too personally. Detroit has its share of them, as does every fanbase. I just hope you know that the more reasonable of us are still rooting for you.
My highly important question is regarding the infamous Nacho Incident. I just have to know details about the thought process and the exchange. Did you ask the guy for permission, unseen to the camera? Did you just figure "This guy would probably let me bone his wife if I asked him, so I can just slip a chip away no problem"? Did he actually say anything in response? Also, most importantly, why in the name of God did you not steal some of his cheese as well? Did you think taking a man's cheese was a line you are personally unable to cross? I've watched the video dozens of times and I have been unable to completely decided the situation. This is serious business.
A side note and closing anecdote:
My girlfriend loves you. She grew up a Cubs fan and 2013 was her first season of watching Tiger baseball, and if you weren't on the team I don't think she would have been anywhere as endeared. She was probably more upset when you were traded than Miggy was.
Second, during the 2012 season my mother and I flew with Chanel and your sons, from Detroit to Orlando. We sat right behind them in first class. I forget the exact date, but I do remember it was the very day the Tigers traded for Sanchez and Infante, and you were about to start a series in Cleveland. We first saw them right behind us in the security line and my mother, being the crazy old white woman she is, wanted to turn around and say hi. I talked her out of it because that was a stupid idea, since they're just a family at the airport like everybody else, but the problem is that I had to stand there quietly saying "Mom, please don't fucking bother them" while your wife is standing right behind us, probably able to hear the conversation. It was awkward. To this day I imagine your children talk to you constantly about that weird guy at the airport and his obnoxious mother four years ago, and your wife says "Yeah, that dude was crazy, I'm glad I never have to see him again." Whenever my mom calls me and gives me shit about anything I like saying "Yeah, well, remember that time you turned into a bothersome idiot in front of the Fielders and made the next three hours awkward?"
Anyway, I hope everything is going as well as can be. I wish you good luck and health this season. Thanks for taking the time to be here, and thanks for giving me an excuse to eat Little Caesars a lot.