The light outside my window is so thin and bleak. Why is winter so bleak, even when things look pretty? That was a dumb question brain, of course you know why winter is bleak- everything is dead. Plus the quality of light seems to convey the coldness. I wonder why that is? I know sound travels slower in cold temperatures, thats why sirens sound different on a cold day. But light and temperature? I highly doubt there's causation. Omg you dummy of course not cause light always travels at the speed of light, so the analogy you just made with sound waves is so stupid. Am I even learning anything in school... Maybe it has to do with the earths tilt/seasonal what not. Probably, this. I dunno. Something to look up someday- but not today (who am I kidding not ever, most likely)... WAIT NO im a double dummy!!!! ugh it IS related to sound analogy because light travels at different speeds due to refractive index, cold dry air probably has a different index than warm air. OK maybe this is why?

Damn I have to go to this party of a family friends for New Years in like five minutes. Please don't make me. Why do these people feel so adamantly that I go to this event. They're all so much older than me, I always just sit there in silence and try to smile and look pretty .. and make yummy noises while I eat. I contribute nothing of value to these parties so why do they want me to come? They must not really care if I go, they probably just flatter my parents into thinking they want me to come to be polite but my mom's judgment is clouded by the fact that child birth makes people crazy and she thinks these people actually really really want me to sit in silence at their table for two hours. All I want is to curl up in my bed like a person-blanket burrito. No what I really want is to not want that. I want to WANT to do things and be proactive about my future, be excited about learning and improving at things like I used to. Man I hope this year is better than the last, i'm sick of feeling impotent to enact change like i have the last couple months. Maybe my new years resolution will be to literally become an entirely new person, like . And get really skinny, because fuck fat.