This. Had a nine month affair ten years ago. Really just sex with a hot, fun "friend". It was steamy but what I see now is the "amazing chemistry" I was feeling wasn't her. It was newness, secrecy, danger. We both had a thing for getting caught so there was some pretty risky behavior. She was single and very attractive. We traveled together for work so the extra "characters" were Vegas, Miami, high end hotels, sexy outfits, etc. It wasn't her. Insert any attractive, willing woman who can carry on a conversation and you get the same thing. When it started getting emotional I got all fucked up and ended it. Couldn't handle that. I steered my energy back into my young marriage and figured I'd take that to my grave.
FFwd to last year and I discover my wife had a two year affair that was very emotional for her (him...not so much. Saw the texts. That hurt. Her all in love. Him, "When can you fuck again?") But like you, I had to know everything. Why didn't it stop when it got emotional? That had been my experience so was all I understood. She was getting a different need met than I was. In fact, she told me the sex wasn't really what it was about for her at all. She said that was "how she paid" for the emotional attention she was getting. Yeah...I definitely take that with a grain of salt. What's she going to tell her shattered husband? "He fucked me like a lion and I loved it?" Probably not the way to go if she wants the marriage but I imagine the truth is somewhere in the middle.
That said, the affair is over now. She's 100% committed to fixing the marriage. Sex is the best since we dated. Fantastic emotional connection. She told me she always knew about the affair (mine) but knew she couldn't prove it so she just held it in and assumed I continued that behavior our whole marriage because I traveled (I didn't...just the one). I can't imagine the anxiety and resentment if that's true.
She told me last month she trusts me absolutely for the first time in our marriage. And where am I? Here. AM. Figuring out how to hide Kik, etc. Why? I don't even really know. There's nothing missing in my marriage now. I'm angry about being played for a fool for so long but I don't think it's revenge. Curiosity I suppose. I never had that part. I had a single AP. I want to know everything. I want to know what it feels like to make another man's wife fall in love with me and do things she's never done for him.
I feel like my personality split when I found out and there's total separation now. No guilt anymore. One side is the devoted husband and father I was for the decade after my affair. I'm kind, loving, dedicated to making it work. I take care of everything around the house. I look her in the eye while I fuck her and tell her she's a goddess. We share fantasies and act on them. I tell her we can do the things she had in her affair if she wants and she says, "OMG, no! I don't want that with you. You matter. That's what he wanted, not me. He was just manipulative and I was in a bad place." She tells me, "You're the one who fucks me the way I really want. That's why I married you." I don't believe her.
On the other side of my mind, there's only calculation, risk assessment, and hunger. Zero emotion. He wants what he wants and he will say whatever he has to to get it. And he will fuck you silly. Has she created a monster? I don't know. Has one been created? Yup. Will this turn out badly for everyone involved? I imagine it could.
Not sure if I'm looking for encouragement or someone to talk me off the ledge.