This is a heartbreaking situation whenever it arises.

I’m not married, and I don’t have kids. So, perhaps my thoughts don’t mean much. OTOH, not being distracted by all the pain and potential pain in the situation may be an asset. So, I’ll just throw an idea or two out there, and you can take them or leave them, as you wish.

You say that now, you know, you are, in fact, trans; so, you’re accepting that trans-ness is a condition, not some kind of lifestyle choice – indeed, not a choice at all. So, trans is something you are, whether you transition or not.

I didn’t know I was trans until relatively late in life – about 25 years older than you are now. I probably could have lived the rest of my life without knowing. And, in retrospect, the remaining years of my life would have been like those preceding it: marked by depression, low self-esteem, inability to function to my capacity, inability to be open with others … all symptoms of a gender dysphoria I didn’t know I had. Coming out to myself was like being born again. I didn’t hate myself anymore. I knew what happiness was.

After coming out to yourself, the push to transition should become stronger. I think that’s because there is a natural impulse to be authentic, to live as who one is – indeed, it’s unnatural to not do so. Resisting that impulse will take an increasing amount of effort and cause an increasing amount of stress. And that stress will find an outlet, healthy or unhealthy.

In all honesty, I hear there are people who never transition. I can’t imagine it, myself.

It is not selfish to express who you are; indeed, it is selfish of anyone else to demand that you deny who you are for their sake. There are many things that we can legitimately sacrifice for those we love, up to and including our lives; but who we are is not on that list.

It only makes sense to prepare for the worst. Other trans women who have transitioned with children, whose marriages ended inamicably, will give be of greater practical help when it comes to the steps that lie ahead of you. Without a clearer picture than the one you’ve outlined, I think erring on the side of caution is wise. Start scouting for the best divorce lawyer you can afford; and start journalizing your relevant interactions with your family. Custody and visitation will be important issues.

Despite what may seem a dreary response, you have passed a major milestone – perhaps the most major milestone of your life. You have found who you are. It’s a good day. :)