You know what I think the secret is? Because I've been wrestling with this for years as well, in almost the exact same way. I think the secret is to not care about finding the right thing. You have to make what you're doing the right thing, and if another opportunity comes along that seems better, go for it. But the pain comes from wanting something different. It sounds lame and very simple, but this is absolutely true: you can change what you want. You can make what you want exactly what you have, unless you are really miserable. You can literally reshape your brain to get into this mindset. It's a change of attitude, a change of perspective. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I've arrived, because it doesn't even matter what I'm doing, or whether I'm passionate about it, or where I am. I'm passionate now about doing what I'm supposed to be doing, whether it's taking care of myself or doing the work I'm paid to do. When it comes down to it, that's really all that matters. A job is a job. For a while I was focusing on doing artistic stuff, with the mindset that I'm not really going to be doing what I'm doing for very long. It's a miserable mindset. I had no opportunities, it was just a vague fantasy. Now I can see what I already have as an opportunity, and when you think about it any job is a pretty good opportunity, especially from the perspective of someone looking for a job.

I've gone through the ups and downs you mentioned over the years, but just over the past week I've made a transformation, fueled by various sources of inspiration and a recognition of my own misery (even in the hypomanic state the misery is still there, just hidden by waves of dopamine). I have a morning routine now, which makes a big difference. I do yoga, read for a few minutes, make breakfast. All things that I know are very good for me. I've gotten into a state where it's like I'm constantly checking off boxes all day, whether I'm completing tangible tasks or not. I've become very attuned to the hypomanic energy and the feeling of dopamine release, especially after being on Wellbutrin for so many years. But I'm stable now, just saw my doctor yesterday. This is a different kind of feeling, it's a very steady and sustained, low-level supply of dopamine, and honestly I can't imagine ever going back into the depressed state, as crazy as that sounds, because I don't care about finding the right thing anymore. I'm not searching anymore. I'm satisfied with what I have, and not in a manicky, this is the greatest job in the world type of way. It's all about doing the right thing wherever you are.

As Mike Rowe said, don't follow your passion, take your passion with you. And I really think the passion is more about just doing the job and having satisfaction with that rather than worrying about how the details of the job suit your personality. Anyway, I hope this helps a bit. You might already be where you want to be.

But if you don't think so, ask yourself what your motivations are. Why are you dissatisfied, exactly? What are you looking for, exactly? Vagueness is the enemy - really think about it.