Help with a mental health writing project

In my mid 30's. Former military. Got my degree after the military and work as a field engineering for a company that sells drives and and large motors. I commission and install that stuff. I work everything from paper mills, mining sites, solar sites, steel mills, and port facilities. I've worked on every continent with the exception of Africa and Antarctica.

I come from a family with a lot of mental health issues. My father, older brother, and younger brother all struggle with OCD and depression. My mother is bi-polar. My sister has depression issues.

Generally, I was usually the rock of the family, though I have struggled with addiction issues in the past, mainly from a somewhat severe birth defect that causes physical problems to this day. I am used to being the person that family members come to for support as oppose to my current situation, where I am the one struggling.

Like the other male members of my family, I have always had OCD tendencies. Because of my birth defect, I tend to ignore physical symptoms of problems. For example, I broke my leg once and walked on it for a month without realizing it.

This tends to lead to an issue where I will overwork myself and not realize it. My latest breakdown occurred about two weeks ago where I went about 6 days without sleep and did not realize it. I had a full break at work (sobbing, screaming, all that shit).

Prior to this, I have always refused to take medication (primarily due to my fear of addiction). Generally my symptoms now are extreme anxiety and self doubt, along with general depression. As of now, I basically have to be medicated to go to work, but I cannot go into the field (I work on dangerous industrial equipment). So I am kind of stuck on hold.

Due to the nature of my employment (high end, multi-million dollar engineering projects), people having mental breakdowns at work are not unusual. The supervisor I went nuts in front of actually had his own break about 10 years ago and spent a month in an institution. So I am getting a lot of support from coworkers and supervisors. Its still extremely problematic for my employer as field engineers don't exactly just grow on trees.

I am up and down constantly which is exhausting. For a few hours, I will feel fine, ready to fly out to a site and start working...and then a few hours later, I got to walk out to the parking lot and start crying. I'm waiting for an appointment with a psych to get a long term medication plan in affect and a better understanding of how long this will all take to play out. Honestly, if I cannot get better, I will most likely leave the industry because it is an extremely stressful.

My recommendation to everyone is 1) don't feel shame. This is honestly no different than having a broken limb (though honestly I would give my left nut to just have a broken limb rather than dealing with mental health issues). 2) get help early rather than late. I have caused myself far more damage by letting myself get burned out again, especially to the extent that I did by not paying attention to the signs. 3) It gets better. I mean hell, I'm in the throws of it. My meds aren't close to being fine tuned. I am seeing a therapist every week, and I am struggling to keep up with work, but I am still better this week than I was last week. 4) Don't get discouraged. Its so easy to do that. Unlike a physical injury, there isn't a clear, expect time frame and a path to get healthy. But that doesn't mean that one will never get better.

/r/Anxiety Thread