Guilt isn't killing him, fear of being held legally, publicly, responsible for his own behavior is. He didn't commit rape by "mistake". No man in the history of the universe has ever "accidentally" put a hand, a finger, a phallic object, or a weapon into any orifice or on any body part of any other human and ejaculated into or on it by "accident". He didn't trip and fall erect penis first into your mouth, rectum, or vagina, did he? He's begging you to give him power to rape with impunity. Pressing charges would stop that. He is not suicidal, but manipulative. Threatening suicide is just a ploy to control you. If he wanted to be dead he'd kill himself, not try to hold you responsible for his choice to live or die. He knows he's a monster. It isn't scary to him. What's scary to him is the possibility of being revealed as a monster to anyone other than you. Think about it. If only you know what a monster he is, and you keep that secret he can tell everyone else that you're crazy and keep on gaslighting you. If everyone else knows what a monster he is he loses power over you and every other person he lies to or lies about. I have ADHD. It can indeed make you impulsive. It cannot make you commit a felony. That is always a choice. Furthermore, it is a choice he has only made with you, right? Or perhaps other people he has dated? But he does not routinely, "impulsively" commit rape against other people, right? Don't know if you are male or female or if his victims are confined to just men or women. However, whomever he "impulsively" rapes just happens to be weaker than he is, alone, and has no power or authority to stop him or otherwise exact revenge, right? (Legal repercussions are not revenge by the way. They are criminal punishment for the benefit & safety of the entire society as well as support and protection for the victim.) What I am saying is that he has never raped, or attempted to rape his mother, his father, his boss, random children on a playground, right in front of dozens of witnesses, a fellow guest at a wedding, or patron in a restaurant, right? That is not because his behavior is "impulsive", it is because his behavior is calculated. Impulsive behavior is random. The chances of "impulsive" behavior occurring only while alone in the presence of one individual, or one specific type of individual, are virtually non existant. He did it. He knew what he was doing. He knew it was wrong. It's his fault. It is not the fault of ADHD. Your BP is not 'abusive and manipulative'. No disorder, illness or condition on the face of this earth is 'abusive and manipulative'. (And if they were, than his ADHD is equally 'abusive and manipulative'.)People are. Perhaps you were. I don't know. It doesn't matter. He doesn't get to tolerate it for 3 years & then even the score by raping you. Claiming that your BP is 'abusive and manipulative' as the reason for raping you is an admission that it was planned, not "impulsive". If he really felt you were "abusive and manipulative" he would have left. Almost every single thing he has told you is nothing but projection. And it is very, very manipulative. By accusing you of his crimes, he intends to put you in the position of proving that you do not deserve his insults. It turns the conversation away from his crime and towards your responsibility for changing your behavior in order to avoid 'provoking' him. Absurd. He is responsible for his behavior, his choices, and his actions. Period. Not you. Look at all his behavior that his projection has suddenly made you responsible for: a)rape (nobody held a gun to his head and forced him to assault you, right?) b) anger (who is he, God? must everyone kiss his ass to avoid his wrath and 'just' punishment?) c) lies (are you God? Do you control his words?) d) his actions (If you could control his actions, he wouldn't have been able to rape you.) e) his life (He's going to punish you by killing himself. Oddly, you have no power to actually stop him from doing this, but if you obey his orders not to hold him responsible, he will condescend to remain living, but only as long as you continue to obey those orders. So your only 'power' over his life is to give him all the power over yours.) e) his ADHD (if you did exactly what he wanted, when he wanted, his ADHD would not have forced him to 'impulsively" commit rape against you, despite the fact that he can indeed prevent his ADHD from "impulsively" raping the guy standing next to him in the grocery store, or the cop who pulls him over for speeding, or anyone else who is not alone and weaker than he is.) f) your BP (after all, yours is apparently the only condition on earth that is, in and of itself "abusive and manipulative" thus rendering the people who have it automatically deserving of whatever punishment anyone else sees fit to inflict upon them. You are no longer a human being deserving of respect and autonomy, but rather a walking pathology to be brutally controlled and punished simply for existing. Oddly, his ADHD, which he claims is the reason for raping you, is not "abusive and manipulative" by itself, and he isn't either, even though he is an abusive manipulative rapist.) Sit down and make a list of every demeaning or insulting, or blaming thing he has ever said to you. Put a check next to the behaviors on that list of which he is guilty. See a pattern? Now put another check next to all of those behaviors or actions for which he places the blame on other people, including, but not limited, to you, or to circumstances beyond his control. Now put a star next to the things he says you can control in him, by doing what he tells you. I'm sure you see the pattern. He sounds like a sociopath, or at the very least, a narcissist. That is scary, but it does not reflect badly on you. You have to nurture yourself. Pressing charges is a good start, and can be empowering, but I would advise you to get help and backup to do it. I suggest a call to RAIN (rape abuse incest network) They can give you practical advice. Use a burner phone if that makes you feel safer. 3 years is a short period of time in which to learn a difficult lesson like this one. Be proud of your ability to identify this creep for what he is and NOT marrying him! So many people do not learn to protect themselves, or even that they are victims at all, until after many years of abusive marriage and maybe children! You are unusually perceptive and observant. Be proud of that! The hardest thing we need to learn is to identify our own emotions. I can recommend a great book called 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin DeBecker. I would also advise reading about sociopaths and narcissists. You can and will learn to observe patterns of behavior that are abusive and manipulative before you are victimized again. And please, if you can find a way to do so, get some therapy. He has no right to blame you or to tell you to blame yourself. Learn this in your heart and soul. Then you will be prepared to choose a partner who deserves you.