I didn't have much idea of what to do as a child. The only thing that I knew was to study, because my mom kept getting me to do it all the while.

"I want to play games!" - No, study. "Can I try out some science things?" - No money, study. "I'm bored!" - Study.

So I did that. And also because if I had a 95/100 in Chinese spelling she'll take out the cane and start with Asian discipline. And also if I tried to argue my case. And also if I did something she didn't like. And if I said something wrong, but she'll mostly explode verbally and tell me that I was ungrateful and a burden.

Since no one sided with me, my dad always took her side...I accepted that I was always wrong.

I didn't have much expectations. In fact I didn't feel I was worth anything. No matter what I did, I was told to do better or that I sucked.

Then came Secondary School. My mom got cancer and died at this period. I got it into my head that I should work hard at my studies "for my family".

I'll be the son that they'll be proud of! My father will have something to brag about! It's the only thing I can do! They'll be so proud of me!

So I mugged for exams, did decently well and actually got into one of the top 5 JCs!

And things changed. I no longer felt motivated. I thought I "made it". I could just blast though everything in a few months because I thought I was so smart.

No.

I did abysmally well. To this day I still have no idea how I got admitted into university.

Then I decided to find something I could do. At that point, I couldn't be a scholar anyway. I saw some of my peers go overseas or get prestigious scholarships. And there I was. A neér do well. A fucking failure.

During NS, I read up on investment and financial planning. Thought I could maybe save up some money and try my hand at it. Dad took it all.

Everytime I saved up 1k..."Hey can I borrow some money?" That happened three times. So...couldn't learn driving, much less invest it on anything.

I tried to do a few things in university. Worked my way to save up for investment. Did mlm because I wanted to learn sales and I didn't know better. Tried to do real estate for a while and bombed - didn't persist enough.

Paid my fees and all without trying to rely on anyone "because my father's busy and he doesn't have much money, so I'll be filial and not bother him." Saved up to 10k by waitering and got cold feet.

What if I lose it all on options the minute I invest? Well, better not then.

Well, I got my degree. A third rate one. I didn't know how to study, didn't know about sleep and how important it was for concentration so basically just sat trying to study like an idiot.

Those days in university....no one talked to me, I didn't know how to talk to anyone, wanted to get a girlfriend but didn't know how to.

So...the chain of failure and loserhood stayed unbroken.

I thought....maybe I'll get into drawing! It's easy! Look at that artist, he just needs to make a few scratches and a picture comes out!

I did that in year 3 of university. Also read a ton of motivational books at that time. Anthony Robbins, Dr. Phil, Stephen Covey, some others who aren't that famous so I forgot their names.

The message I got from them was...."Well get out there and achieve your dreams! You're worth it! You're one in a million, man!"

I got into my first permanent job while still doing my drawing. The manager turned out to be a micromanager who controlled all the decisions while making us face the consequences of his decisions.

So...I decided that I'll beef up my art standard. I needed time to improve.

Chase your dreams! Don't give up! Rah rah rah! Be self taught and work hard!!

And it was just lots of temporary jobs while spending three to six months of drawing. Did that for three to four years.

And...........nope.

Didn't achieve anything. Remember the chain of loserhood? It's stronger than ever!! I'm a bigger loser than I was.

At this point.......

I'm an idiot for not giving up. I don't know why. I really don't know what keeps my head screwed up. It's been 9 years since I started drawing. Most of it was just lots of isolation and pain because everyone's better than me.

At this point, I have a lump sum, saved up and increased due to some things I did in the past.

I teach tuition. Not well at all. Everyone at the centre seems to be better than me. I have no idea why they want me to continue to teach, because I think they'll do better if they did the job themselves.

I'm still a failure. But I'm learning Japanese for six months. I'm now looking for another job while working in tuition.

I hope...at least I can save up enough, get a buffer and a job in Japan teaching kids English. After that (or during), I can continue to find ways to improve my art and other skills. I'll like to attend an art atlier in the states.

I have a target amount that I'll like to hit before going to Japan. Once I do, I won't come back home ever again. No one in the family will know where I am.

At this point, I just want to meet my targets this year: to at least improve in my teaching and be a help to the students, to continue to learn Japanese, and to keep on working both jobs (once I find a job with a night shift) and do decently well for both.

Those are the only three wishes I have for this year. It'll be tiring, I know. But that's ok.

I just want to break this string of loserhood and failure that surrounds me.

The art can wait. I need the art instruction and time to get really good at it. That takes time and money (for living expenses and for the teachers). So I'll put it off for a while.

This standard (http://imgur.com/MC1VuG6) doesn't cut it. I can do better. I want to really good. World class. Because I can't do anything well at this point. Not even art. But maybe I can get great at art with more knowledge and instruction.

I just need to accomplish something. I'm sick of being a loser.