This will be long.
I'm hating my pdocs right now. I've been rapid cycling for two years now. When I finally found someone to see me, they put me in a mood disorders med management group - no one-on-one sessions - and they only give me appts every 8 weeks. Because it's a group, I only get about 5-10 minutes to talk every session. Add to that they never seem to remember who I am or why I'm there. I'm like: wtf, I am in crisis mode people, I need more.
They put me on depakote which started off okay. I rode out some harsh side effects (severe panic attacks, constant anger, gut pain) at 500mg and then again at 1000mg until it settled in. I still wasn't feeling well so they upped me to 1500mg. That whole process of titration took four months. Not because I couldn't have gone up sooner, rather because they will only see me every two months. They say to call with problems, but then take a week to return a phone message, if they do return it.
Yesterday was the kicker. The last two weeks I've been a fucking monster at 1500mg. Unfocused rage, paranoia like crazy, yelling at strangers in the street type of thing. So I wrote an email explaining why I need them to get me more frequent one-on-one appts with a shrink. I called the department (this is a program in a major hospital) and asked for an email address to send it to. They said nope. I said I understood they wouldn't give pdocs' personal emails out, but isn't there a general department email address I could send to so it could be forwarded? Nope. How do I get written information to my doctors? They said mail it. Snail mail.
So I had to mail a letter to them yesterday to tell them I can't ride out side effects eight weeks at a time. That I need appts every two weeks at least, solo appts. That I am possibly a danger to myself and others right now.
And I know it's going to be like the time I cut my Abilify dose early on from 10mg to 5mg on my own, again because side effects and the fact that they are unreachable to patients. They berated me in front of the group and told me never to alter my meds without their okay or they would no longer work with me. So I guess in their minds I'm supposed to remain homicidal for another five weeks until my next appt. These are the same people who won't work with me if I smoke weed or drink, because "it's dangerous to put unknown substances in your body."
As I wrote in the letter:
I know you say to call with such concerns, and not to change the dose unless you say so, but calling leads to a labyrinth of voice mailboxes, and calls aren't returned for days, if at all. So, even though I'm getting treatment, because my sessions are spaced so far apart, I end up having to make my own decisions about which meds to take or not, and all I'm working with are educated guesses and internet suggestions. It's really no different from self-medication with booze and weed, except now I'm doing it with high-grade pyschopharmaceuticals instead. This doesn't seem right.
Unfortunately, they were the only place in town I could find that took new patients, after an exhaustive search. And they're likely the only ones who can get me the appts I need.
But I hate them.
/rant