I cheated. And I let her go because she deserves more than me. No matter what happens, no one should cheat. That's a weak, cowardly, selfish act of behavior I committed. I don't care that I was in the bottom of the barrel of my addictions. That's just an excuse for not owning my actions. Words will never be enough to express how sorry I am. Only actions. From that day forward (4.5 months ago) I have made it my life goal to never cheat on someone again. To do that: I am attending weekly therapy. I am sober and in AA. I am attending church weekly and am growing my spiritual relationship with God. I am helping newcomers out in AA and taking meetings to treatment centers. I am volunteering. I am being physically active. I am attacking my pornography addiction. I quit smoking marijuana. I am becoming the best version of myself and that's all I can do.

I did lose someone I truly cared about, but I could not sit there and be succumbed by self-pity, guilt, and shame. I had to put one foot in front of the other and start growing. Start being better. While I will never be a part of her life again, that is okay because there are consequences for my actions. And I had to move on and let go. I'm still not all the way there yet and I know it will take time, but I'm being patient and I know that I'm not alone. I know God loves me and I am forgiven. I cannot change the past, but I can be the best version of me today and keep growing.

She did walk away and I accept that and respect her so much for standing up for herself. While I took complete responsibility and inventory for what I did wrong, I did take a step back and look at the relationship as a whole to find out how I got to the point I was at. It's because the relationship was unhealthy and toxic. I was unhappy. And I used that as an excuse to lead me down a path of sin and rebellion. I could not put her on a pedestal or I would forever be trapped. I realized that there were things that I do not want in a partner that she possessed. She lied about how much date she had and was unappreciative that I paid all of the bills so she could work on this. I planned all social activities. She complained about her job, parents, friends, her body, herself, and being hungry, angry,tired on a daily basis. She neglected me @ my most difficult times. She had extreme anger, bottled up her emotions, and did not communicate with me. She was clingy and codependent and did not work on her physical fitness or spiritual relationship with Christ. She ridiculed me about my behaviors and did not accept me.

Now, looking at those things about her - I can delve deeper into my part so I can work on myself and be better for the next partner I am with. When I did finances, I should never use it as a control/manipulative mechanism and put her down for it. I should have asked her more frequently what social activities she would like to partake in. I should have listened with an open ear and took her side 100% of the time when she struggled, complained, and needed to vent. I should have communicated that I needed to spend more time with her and I needed her help that I was drowning in my brokenness and did not know a way out. I should have been calm and spoken to her with ease so that she felt comfortable telling me how she felt. I should have helped her find activities outside of my social group so she could feel more independent and have something to do by herself. I could have worked out with her consistently and made it a routine so that way she felt comfortable going to the gym or doing things on her own without me around. I could have modeled what it looks like to have a relationship with Christ. I could have communicated that I felt she was judging me and not accepting me for who I really was.

When you get some time away from a relationship - regardless of who was at fault and what happened - you are able to see the relationship for what it was without rose colored glasses on. And then look internally to the part you played in the demise and work on fixing those behaviors so they don't happen again. That's how we grow.

I know I broke her with my infidelity. But I cannot wallow in it for the rest of my life or I will be miserable. We are human and I made a terrible mistake. And every human is entitled to their own opinion about me - but I know deep down that I am not defined by this terrible choice I made. And that I can still be a good person and do the next right thing. I know we are both worthy of love and we stayed in a relationship that was not healthy for either one of us. I don't regret the past because it made me who I am today. If I had a time machine, sure I'd go back and work on myself beginning at the age of 18. But I don't and that's okay because everything will turn out how it's supposed to be.