I'm replying from my phone and hate that I can't see your message without leaving the screen, so if I don't address something remind me.

So much to say...

I'm tired all the F-ing time. I mean all the time. I can't nap cause i do have to maintain my job. I can't say that I actually get much quality work done but I have to fill the desk. There was one day that I did lay under my desk and nap. Usually I work with my head in one hand and peck out letters on the computer with the other hand. Luckily no one really expects too much from me. Being bald does a good job of reminding people of my affliction. I think I look rather healthy otherwise so people don't really know all that I'm experiencing. I'll get into that Though.

So I had an aggressive tumor but it was contained and didn't spread. So I received chemo that was specific for breast cancer but I didn't need the worst kind I guess. There was a treatment course that was worse but I didn't need it. So I got the tumors removed the. I did chemo. I got two different chemo drips at a time through my port. It was close to an hour per chemo bag. I did this once every three weeks for three months for a total of four treatments. After two weeks almost to the day my hair was falling out in clumps so I shaved it off. My kind of chemo causes almost everyone's hair to fall out. Not all do. I had achy muscles and bones. For that pain take Claritin -the type that dissolves under your tongue) it helps the bone pain. Chemo kills your cells so you will lose your taste. Swish with salt water right after chemo a few times a day to get the dead cells away or it builds up and you get a coating on your tongue. Water tastes like shit. After a week ish I got my taste back. The steroids they gave me with the chemo caused me to eat everything. I'm not a food person but I had to eat because I needed something in my stomach at all times or it burned. I got constipated from the pain meds. I got diarrhea from the steroids. I only gained 10 lbs but typical is 20-40! From what I hear. As I got treatments the bone and muscle pain got worse. I have to have a sleeping pill to get through the night but still wake up several times. To move hurts. At first it got better by the third week but then it was time for another treatment. After each chemo your white blood cell count drops so I got a booster shot. The first shot I got after round one was called Nuelasta (one time shit) and it gave me a migraine for 7 days straight. I couldn't move my body. I laid in the dark and did nothing for 7 days. It hurt to cry. After round two I got a different shot call Neupagin and that gave me horrible diarrhea for the first 4 days but was preferred over the migraine. The Neupagin is given in 10 shots once a day. So that part sucked. After that I said screw the booster shots and went without. I was worried my daughter would bring something home from daycare and make me sick. My work friend spent 4 days in the hospital after getting a cold. But I didn't get sick. I also stopped the steroids after round two because my stomach hurt so badly which is probably why I only gained 10 lbs?? Don't know. I still feel like I eat more than I used to.

So bone pain, muscle pain, hair loss, constipation, diarrhea, fatigue. Oh this past week my nails are separating from the skin and falling off. After my last round I broke out in hives. They said that is normal and they were surprised it didn't happen after each round. I had to switch from an electric tooth brush to an old school soft bristle brush cause you get mouth sores and your gums hurt to the touch. Oh yeah, my smell. I didn't like how I smelled. The chemo or drugs or something changed my chemistry and I couldn't stand the smell. My wife didn't notice but I couldn't stand myself. I think that is all the side effects, physical anyway. My skin peeled and flaked off but the skin cells rejuvenate quickly and actually my skin never looked better- post peeling. Then you have the fear and irritability and tears. Getting used to being bald. Chemo also causes "chemo brain" which is forgetfulness and a confusion with concepts and words. I've definitely noticed this happening, very frustrating.
I was able to do chemo and radiation separately so I haven't done that yet. You are so right as to how my wife experiences this too. But I sometimes feel like she thinks I look fine so I must feel fine or sometimes she expects too much from me. I can't say that because she is doing everything already so to ask her to do more seems so unfair. As soon as my toddler goes to bed I collapse in bed too. That's when I really feel the physical pain of my body, When I lay still after moving all day. I'm sorry about your relationship w your husband. That has to be hard to cope with on top of this.

Just don't give up. Your kids love you.