Because this post blew up while I was I’ve come back to provide updates, and they are thus:
IV: A SINEW HOPE I have for this update is to quickly make sure people know I DIDNT GARY THE DEER, IT WAS HUMANELY DISPATCHED. This is a full account of The Killing of a Sacred Deer, it’s graphic. I got splattered by his deer blood when I went to K-2S0 his ass with a tire iron because he wasn’t dead but screaming and in a ditch. He was panicked and bucked his busted ass deer femurs at me because these fucking things are like Womp Rats and can’t just fucking die. As I was summoning the dark side to get myself to get this deer straight to deer heaven, this First Nations hunter (Cree) had pulled over his truck as he was driving past. He was getting his rifle serviced at a town nearby and had just picked it up, he ended its life from the truck which I thought was rabidly hilarious but so fucked up (like he just fucking nailed it through its eyeball from 90 feet away from his truck).
V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES DEER: In a dramatic turn of events, The Deer’s distant-yet-insistent Brother-in-Law has contacted me. He’s got real Swolo energy and says that The Deer owed him money, and that he was sad his deerly deerparted Brother-in-Lawn was so quickly Saw Gerrera’d. Turns out the Deer economy runs on a single, unified currency, which happens to be Reddit Karma. Your support for this post may finance him the power he needs for something more. Who knows.
VI: RETURN OF THE HUNTER contacted me last night while I was rewatching Episode VI (was in the mood for some reason?) and I didn’t see it until this morning. Through the Will of the Force, The Deer somehow found its way to the Hunter/Butcher and was cleaned and carved, and that I should be expecting no less than 94 pounds of pure mountain venison chops, ribs, steaks, sausage and bone broth the next time our paths meet. HALF of all he prepared. said he was thankful I stopped to put down The Deer, and I know this will feed my neighbours and I for the whole winter, which I’m super thankful for. It was a rough night, I had a “weesa gonna die” vibe for a sec; but was saved by good people, and not just to my Dad and The Hunter, but also to y’all, who have funded the Deer Death Star with karma.