Throwaway for reasons.
Many triggers ahead and entire post will be considered /NSFW. If spoiler tags break, heres the warning to not read it. For some reason, I can't get formatting or spoilers to work. Help please?
Story time;
[I was in the Army for around 7 years until I was medically discharged due to being diagnosed with Bipolar I w/ Psychosis. I deployed one time to Iraq for close to 12 months, and returned home mentally broken. I asked for help through the Chain of Command and from that point, I was look at differently. Weak. Defective. Broken. I was used for my purpose and was called a liar when I asked for help.
"Shamming" they called it.
Everyday since I got back from Iraq I was drinking myself to death for over a year and my organs were not working the way they should have been. I was told to not stop drinking for the time being due to the possibility of my body shutting down. The divorce went through. My kid was gone. I was a functioning alcoholic. I soon learned I was self medicating to cope with what I was going through. I was showing all the signs they gave in those suicide briefings they gave all the soldiers. Mandatory training. But I was still ignored. I was still called a liar. I was still asking for help.
I attempted. I failed.
It wasn't until that point when they finally understood something wasn't right. Some of you know the process in your own ways. The bed. The Charcoal. 3 day mandatory holding and off to the ward for months afterwards. If it wasn't for my battle buddy (who was my roommate at the time for many years) saving me from myself, I wouldn't be here today.
Whats it like being male with Bipolar?
It's a sad life at times.
I can't just go get the help I need because of the social norms of the military system. You are looked at as broken equipment once you show mental weakness. As a liar. You are told to ask for help when you need it, but what really happens after the fact varies. They move you to another Company. With all the other "Profile Rangers" and other words used to beat it into us that we are not believed, and that you should drink water and drive on.
We are conditioned to suppress our feelings and to bottle it up. Complete the objective and drive on. We are soldiers. We don't show weakness.
To this day it is still hard for me to share with family what I go through on a daily basis because who really wants to hear this story? Our stories? Logically I know this is false, but being trained for years a certain way will take a while to die out, if at all. Old dog, new tricks. But, I am still alive. My meds are wrong, I don't get enough sleep, and I rapid cycle, but am alive. My kid is back in my life, the ex and I have made amends and live a healthier co parenting life style, and my kid still has both her parents. More than I can say for her mother and I. I go to my doc once a month and ask for the help I need to this day. I am still fighting.
We are here and some of us do ask for help, but as for my story, I wasn't heard till it was almost to late. It may not happen to all of us, but there are some of us here that deal with these things and we do want help, but sadly we are not fully there yet in helping our Vets and mentally disabled.]_(/spoiler)