First, you unveil this fancy wrist gadget we've all been waiting for and have the nerve to name it something other than the iWatch...
It's not called the iWatch....
Then, you make us listen to Kevin Lynch for the live demo, who has about as much personality as a roll of toilet paper...
Yes.
Then, you announce this silly gold version, which leads to the ungodly annoyance of endless press speculation as to what it'll cost, even though 99% of us won't be able to afford one...
It's called marketing and it's not silly. It sold out just as quickly as the other models.
Then, you tell us it'll be available in "early 2015," which your team laughs at maniacally backstage after the event ends...
It's called marketing. Having a more specific date would be Apple shooting itself in the foot.
Then, Bono from U2 is hospitalized in a horrific biking accident likely caused by a glance at his specially-gifted Apple Watch, which forces a lawsuit that delays the launch...
Lol, Bono.
Then, you announce a second keynote to build up our hopes and dreams, only to roll out Mr. Toilet Paper for the same demo as before...
Yes.
Then, you announce a pre-order date of April 10th, making us all wish you'd spend more time building our damn watches and less time shooting videos about precious metals...
Which is still technically 'early 2014'.
Then, you announce a "launch date" of April 24th, and at the event's after-party, the executive team bursts out laughing when Tim Cook says, "they fell for it AGAIN!"...
What?
Then, you roll out a commercial that features all the same video we've already watched 4-million times on YouTube over the last six months...
Then, you send out review units, including to Nilay Pital, the most pretenious pansy of the tech world...
He's changed. A lot. For the worse.
Then, you allow the Apple Watch to be worn by stick-thin fashion models on magazine covers, making us all wonder, "oh crap... maybe I SHOULD get the 38mm version"...
It's called marketing.
Then, our "38mm or 42mm" paranoia leads to thousands of us printing out life-sized cutouts, culminating in the killing of hundreds of trees...
Can't disagree here.
Then, you release a propaganda video about how environmentally friendly your company is to make up for it...
It's called marketing.
Then, Apple announces they won't have any in-store Apple Watch stock until this summer, and you contemplate the reasons for having Apple retail stores in the first place...
Understandable. And so many people were able to just do a walk in and try it on within 5 minutes. How else can you try on the Watch and really experience what it is like without having a giant anti-theft device on it?
Then, on "launch day," you make us wake up in the middle of the night to spend half our bank accounts on an item we've never seen or touched in person...
Then don't fucking pre order....
Then, we see our ship dates appear as May and June, and resolve to wonder what makes Christy Turlington-Burns so damn special...
What else did you expect when the demand is so damn high? Same shit applies to new Mac products and new iPhone products.
Then, we visit the Apple Store a few hours later to finally try this damn thing on, and realize that if God wore underwear, it'd be made out of the Milanese Loop mesh...
Disappointed that it's not waterproof as well =[
Then, we are forced to go to the chiropractor after spending hours hunching over the in-store Apple Watch demo, which for some reason was nailed to an weird iPad unit...
What?
Then, you wonder how much manpower Apple invested in creating the weird iPad unit, when they could've been making my damn watch sooner...
What?
Then, Beyonce, Pharrell and other celebrities are spotted with their Apple Watches, and you wish you had one so you could finally send your heartbeat to JJ Abrams...
It's called marketing.
Then, people begin bragging on the Apple Watch reddit that their credit card was charged, and you wonder, "why didn't Apple take MY damn money?!"...
You still have time. Fucking wait.
Then, you proceed to check your online banking account 30 times an hour, and wonder if your refresh button is somehow broken...
Go do something else.
Then, folks in England and Canada get charged before you do, and you're comforted only by staring at an obscure plane-tracking website for twenty minutes...
So what? Different countries have different supply chain logistics.
Seriously. If you pre ordered your watch, it'll come.