Yes, I can totally relate. When I dress up 'girly' the best indicator of whether I pass or not is if guy find me attractive. So I've been dressing with that in mind, to make myself most attractive for men. After a while its morphed into this desire to completely convince a guy that I'm a real woman. I've bought perfumes, wigs, nails, heels, etc... to reach that goal.
A few years ago I ventured out to a gay bar with my girlfriend. I got all dolled up, the whole nine yards. I got into a habit of checking out guys and getting into girl-talk mode with my GF. We'd talk about how hot guys were and so on. It got to the point to where she said she'd be open to a threesome, but she'd get kinda uncomfortable if I dragged that convo out for too long.
Anyway, we're at this bar checking out the dancers and the other men while acting super Sex in the City-ish and a couple of guys approach us and buy us drinks and flirt and it was seriously one of the best times i had ever felt dressed up. At the time I used to encourage my GF to flirt and even hook up with other guys, thinking that if she did then I could potentially do it too. Anyway, I was flirting hard with this guy. Putting my hand on his chest, laughing, shyly brushing the hair out of my face. My GF got super jealous/uncomfortable and she dragged me to the bathroom and we got into a small fight and she said that she wanted to go home.
I really didn't want to go home! Whatever I was feeling that night was the feeling I had been pursuing everytime I dressed up. So i convinced her that I didn't think the guy I was talking to was cute (which was a lie!) and that I just wanted to finish my drink and say bye to the guys. Plus, i told her the guy she was talking to was a super hottie and she admitted that she felt the same, so we got into talk about threesomes and sex. So i told her that she could hook up with him first if she wanted to. That I wouldn't mind, in fact I encouraged it.
We left the bathroom back to the bar and the guys were still there. My gf started flirting a lot with this guy and i started getting jealous, but i asked for it so i let happen b/c that was the only way that I'd be able to stay at the bar. We ordered more drinks and then i see the guy she's talking to keep pressing up against her while shes facing him. She didn't push him away, which kind of pissed me off. But I reasoned that as long as she was occupied she couldn't interrupt what I was doing. And if she escalated her flirting then i assumed that i could too. So I did.
The bar was getting crowded and so the guy I was talking got really close to me, in fact he would 'accidentally' bump into me every time ppl would walk by. My gf was crotch to crotch with this guy and then he kissed her and she kissed him back and they were just smiling at each other.
Anyway, to cut to the chase the four of us went back to one of the guys' apartments. My girlfriend needed to use the bathroom, so this guy she kissed earlier shows her where it is and they don't come back. At that point i was freaking out a little, asking the guy I'm talking to if he knows what's going on in there. He says something like, he thinks they're 'playing around'. I was drunk and in these short heels and with hesitation and regret I go looking for my GF of four years in this strange apartment. I find the bathroom and the door is unlocked so I pushed it open is complete fear and/or confusion and/or excitement of what I might witness. But no one is in the bathroom.
That was another bad sign. Thats when i heard that slapping sound you hear when skin slaps skin, like when you're having sex. It was coming from another door down this hallway. So i called out her name, idk why, i didn't know what else to do. She calls back from through the door and I ask her what she's doing. She says nothing. I storm down the hallway to the door and its locked. She opens the door and I could see the guy was wearing gym shorts now and a t-shirt, instead of his clubbing outfit and he's sitting on his bed.
I told the guys that we need to leave. My GF was mad at me, only because I think she didn't want me to be mad at her, so she blamed me for wanting to hang out with these guys in the first place. Oh, and she denied doing anything sexual with that guy, even the kissing I saw them doing.
When we got home she told me that she gave him a blowjob and he fingered her for a little bit, which didn't explain the 'sex slapping' noise I heard. Anyway, we eventually hungout with those two guys again!