I hope to kill myself before seeing another doctor again, ever. My burning hatred for every last one of them is stronger than any will I have to live.

Thank you for your reply and concern. I just typed out this long response to the other person who replied, who said they're a doctor, you don't have to read it but I deleted my post so I guess I'll just post it here if you want, you don't have to read it but whatever, I just say whatever on reddit since it's anonymous. Thanks again for your kind reply to my rage.


Thanks for your reply. Yes doctors have lied to me over and over, manipulated me into taking drugs I don't need, and I'm angry that I'm SO angry, that I can't make myself go to the doctor at all, haven't been in 3-4 years, luckily I'm healthy and don't need anything.

I was prescribed a drug I specifically had refused to take, I told her, because the side effects were unbearable. This doctor said okay, I filled their rx, took one and was started feeling horrible. I looked it up online, she had prescribed me the same thing with a different brand name. Plus it was like $40 wasted, at the time I'd just started working again and had insurance, I didn't really have $40 + the $25 I'd just spent on the visit. I can't tell you how angry I was, it was horrible. The overwhelming anger was worse than the nausea and exhaustion from the stupid pill. I never even really get mad, that's like one of the top 3 moments of rage in my life, I was alone and without agency.

That was after this doctor when I was little decided I was depressed and put me on whatever was available before SSRIs. I wasn't depressed, I was shy at school and in public. I talked to my parents all the time but was ANXIOUS, not depressed, in school and in crowds away from home. I was like 8, I hated this guy, I thought he was old and ugly and weird, I remember all I would do was look at and and trace the patterns on the chair I sat on with my mind, and ignore everything he said. He would ask me something stupid, I'd refuse to answer or look at him, and pretend I was alone, while he stared at me and tried to wait me out. I thought I'd won when he gave up and went to talk to my parents. Nope. I got held down and blood taken every few months, until I got used to it, to check my liver or whatever, because it was toxic. Fucking poison this guy had me on, it didn't help so he just added other nonsense, until I got started taking Ritalin, which did help, I think they took me off the other stuff after that. They probably only tried that because the other, I don't know what it was, made me so tired.

I've talked to my mother about it over and over, she insists they were trying to help and this "doctor" wanted the best for me. I looked him up recently hoping he was dead, and somehow that jerk is still alive, he's like 90, works part time at a children's hospital. Prowling for more guinea pigs, I imagine.

When I tried Lexapro maybe 8 years ago, it did help pull me out of a slump after I'd moved to a new city to be with my husband, and couldn't find a real job for over a year, so I kept taking it, got pregnant, asked my doctor if I should quit, she said no it was fine. I had a miscarriage, looked it up, it increases change of misscqrriqge by like 25%. I would have quit had I known, I would have been fine, I was happy and everything was going well. I'm since off it and am not depressed, I'm happy, I have a great marriage and family, sweet nephews and nieces, friends, an awesome dog, and a comfortable life. It's just this one thing that when I think about it I get so angry. My job is boring and dumb but even that doesn't get me down. Just that I can't go to the doctor again, ever, unless I get over it. I definitely can't have a kid with this attitude, but that's fine, we were always on the fence anyway and might get the foster kid I want in 5 years or so.

If you read this far, sorry if I wasted your time, I know you're probably busy. If so thanks for listening, and for responding to my mean post in the first place. Take care.

/r/offmychest Thread Parent