I just married and when he was a boyfriend, he asked me to smoke a weed many times and i denied his offer and one day I was so stressed out with my grad dissertation and visa problem to stay in the U.S. He again persuaded to smoke a weed, saying my stress will be disappeared and I can be fully recharged from tomorrow to rewrite my dissertation. So I did thru mouth to mouth it was my first and last experience.

I suddenly got a panic attack not taking a breath and shake my body and the symptoms lasted for few days(actually the trauma lasted for a month) and I kept telling him that I can’t fall asleep because I was so anxious and felt like I’m dying in an extreme fear with speedy heart beat and got a schizophrenia symptoms in panic attack still not taking a breath. My boy friend suddenly told me I will get some beer or Nyquil to make me calm down or sleep. After I heard that, I was so shocked and asked my friends help through text messages( I hardly sent text messages with shake hands)saying he is going to kill me and I thought that was not normal person’s thinking and he was so scary.

I of course denied this offer to drink beer or Nyquil because if I drank, I could have died or a seizure but he kept telling me that he will get me beer or Nyquil few times more and I was so shocked telling him' are you going to kill me?' ' you want me to die?' and started thinking he hated me and he wanted me to die because I could not and can’t still understand his way of thinking(brain) and behavior to think about others and it remained me as a trauma.

Then I was almost broke up with him but I decided to forgive him and made him gradually reduce marijuana with a goal to quit marijuana later on. However, whenever I told him about his addiction, dangerous factors, and side effects, he insulted me, saying I originally have a psychosis and schizophrenia and he smoked marijuana everyday in front of me for a while.

Does he really not think of me and so try to kill me with abhor? or how can he act like that?

He now say he was too addict before so acted like that but for me it sounds like an excuse thinking even if people are addict, if they see someone is dying, they would never ask to drink alcohol. Isn't it?

Besides that, he hid me and sent me a hotel to stay alone whenever his parents come from Korea to his house (his parents didn't know we lived together for three years) and he spent a time with his family and relatives for dinner while I was staying alone in Best Western and lied to his parents that I am a researcher and live in NYC(actually I lived with him without a job while waiting for workpermit to work in the U.S.)

He said he is going to CA for business trip and didn't pick up the phone for a week and I sent him an email and received an email from him saying he lost his cell phone and he is in a conference hall and he will be disconnected with me for a while without his phone until he find out at his previous hotel in CA, but I found that he was actually in Hawaii.

He lied to his friend about me that I work at Google( I was unemployed and freelancer journalist while waiting for work permit and green card but he seemed to think of me to embarrass him and doctors who treated my depression with his behavior said that too)

I told him to tell his parents honestly after 1 year because I felt so sad that I cannot be myself as other psychologists/doctors told me, but never told them and kept hiding me from his parents)and I found he finally even hid our marriage to his parents (I realized later) and I told him to tell his parents to be honest but he said that his parents will be disappointed if they knew that so he won’t tell our marriage when our parents meet each other. My parents of course knew we married. Then it doesn’t make sense if they meet each other.

Anyways, after I suffered a lot of things, we got a marriage license three months ago without any propose and ring and went to Korea a month ago to let our parents meet each other for discussing a wedding.

In Korea, I heard that his dad is mad at me because I honestly told him a few month ago that we married and his son has hidden me but I wanted to be honest to his parents so told him that I’m telling him. His dad disliked me and my husband attitude suddenly changed under his dad influence and told me my dad dislikes my behavior and because I didn't leave him before, he forcefully married me under the pressure against his will and he doesn’t’ t love me and he didn't marry with me in a full of love. He even said he married because he felt sorry that he made me depressed and I was hospitalized to treat suicidal thought and he said marrige was wrong choice.

I actually was going to leave him after I was discharged from a hospital but he hugged me and apologized me sincerely with a letter and he said he will marry me and helt me not to leave him and his friend was a witness for our marriage license. I kept telling him, if you going to marry me because you feel sorry, you should not do that. He said no before, but now he said he married because it was to shock that I was in hospital.

I sacrificed my career to stay with him in the U.S after I went to ivy league undergraduate and grad school because I didn’t receive a work permit to work in the U.S. while waiting for green card.

He said he can’t do long-distance relationship because he failed to keep the long distance relationship with his ex-girlfriend so he wanted send me to ESL school to keep my student visa so that I can stay with him. I denied because why should I degrade ESL from gradschool he doesn’t really think my career as well. Instead, I studied some exam for Phd admission.

I have to divorce right?

I especially want to listen to American guy because he is Korean American and I'm a Korean.