How has abuse affected you?

I'm in my late 30s - I didn't really comprehend just how abusive and fucked up my childhood was till I tried to kill myself at 30 with enough pain pills to take out a small elephant.

I am still figuring out how it has affected me. But, I'd say the biggest impact is I do not trust people or commit to anything that gets in they way of my ability to up and leave any situation I'm in.

Here is one example of how I cope: I always make sure I have an escape plan; a way out, so-to-speak. For example, I have a small "go-bag" ready, with a change of clothes, passport, copy of by birth certificate, some cash, an cell phone, and other bare necessities. Basically everything I need to start a new life if I have to leave the current life I live or lose everything including the clothes on my back. Also, I know I am going to suicide the day I can no longer physically look after myself; I've had this mindset since I can remember (I think 7 or 8). I rather die than depend on anyone for my well-being. And, I NEVER share this with the woman I am in a relationship with. I did once, and learned the hard way to never to that again.

I move forward by living a decent life, accepting myself for what I am, try to help other people the best way I can in my everyday life, walk with kindness, and do my best to keep the demons at bay.

Hiking, weed and meditation has helped me A LOT with not dwelling on the past.

I hope this helps.

/r/AskMenOver30 Thread