How am I supposed to get angry at my mother for “abusing” me as a child, when she’s the only person who’s ever loved me?

I can't answer that for you, but I can tell you how I was able to let go of the anger of my mom that I carried for decades. My mom is and always has been emotionally absent. She's only capable of topical conversations, doesn't try to understand anyone, and my biggest complaint - totally oblivious - like she can't see when someone is depressed or looks ragamuffin. It gnawed at my why she was like this. I assumed there was a childhood trauma for her because of some of her behaviors, but I couldn't figure out what (by most peoples' account, she comes from a good, happy family). My aunt posted old family photos recently, and I could see the disconnect in the photos of my mom, even as a toddler. I had heard the story of my mom's traumatic birth. Essentially, her vision was badly damaged and nobody in her family realized she was basically legally blind until she was about 5. I had to think about how much emotional development happens between birth and five, how she couldn't see her family's faces when they were talking to her, how she didn't learn to make eye contact when talking. Her physical coordination to this day is bad because she missed those developmental milestones. I used to hate her ugly coke bottle glasses. When I put the pieces together, I cried for days for my poor little mom. Why didn't her family notice her struggles? All the anger suddenly was lifted. I told her I love her and forgive her, but she didn't ask what I was forgiving her for. I don't know what I'll say to her next. She needs to see an occupational therapist and a mental health therapist, but she is not introspective and seems to have little motivation for self improvement. I'll never have the kind of relationship I want to have with her, but I do have the understanding and forgiveness for her that I needed.

Good luck with finding your answers.

/r/CPTSD Thread